I want the world to stop. Give me the morning - give me the understanding.
- Belle & Sebastian "I Want the World to Stop"
Ssshh. Let's be quiet.
Just for a few minutes.
Let's do nothing.
Think about nothing.
Require nothing but breath. Deep slow breaths.
When's the last time you did nothing? Probably been a while, eh?
If you are anything like me, your life is fairly busy. You have lists of things to accomplish (I have got to mail those "thank you" cards FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!) When you watch a movie you are probably also making dinner, vacuuming, wrapping packages and putting on eyeliner. Perhaps, like me, you've even had to start multitasking during your down time. My bathtub is my favorite multitasking location. I can soak my tired old feet in Epsom salts, get cleanish, moisturize with some coconut oil, eat a chicken dinner, listen to the latest indie tunes on Soundcloud, catch up with my family on the phone and text my best friend about her day all while relaxing in the warm waters of the tub.
But, ya know, the point of down time is to shut down, like a computer, so you can rest the system. Doing fifteen different things during your "down time" isn't really down time at all.
It occurred to me on Saturday after I worked out, went grocery shopping, ran errands, painted the Sensory Room at work (we have a mother fucking ball pit at our school now), showered and put on real people clothes, grabbed some Thai food, watched a movie, cleaned house and snuggled the cat that I was in desperate need of a truly quiet moment.
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| Rainbow windows! The colorful reflections are awesome! |
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| Goodbye hideous balloon border. I always hated you. |
So, Saturday night, sitting on the Carroll's couch, I googled "sit and be quiet churches" in hopes I would find what I was looking for.
I did.
Apparently, sitting and being quiet is called "meditation". Who knew? My google search directed me to a Shambhala Meditation Group at the St. Louis Wellness Center.
Sunday morning I woke, made a lovely breakfast of eggs and watermelon, watched my usual Sunday morning shows, talked to my brother about financial and retirement issues and threw on some comfy clothes. It was a leisurely Sunday morning. My favorite.
I arrived at the St. Louis Wellness Center around 11:20 am. Meditation began at 11:30. So, I had some time to get the lay of the land from the THREE other people who were attending this Sunday.
Shambhala 101 (or the few things I know about Shambhala)
* It's founded on Buddhist traditions, but is it's own entity. (see Buddhism)
* Rooted in the principle that every human being has a fundamental nature of basic goodness.
* Striving for an "enlightened society" (which has something to do with "The Magical Kingdom of Shambhala").
* It's fun to say "Shambhala"
* It's about "awakening" which is achieved through mindfulness meditation.
* You don't have to dress up or shower for a Shambhala meditation group. It's very come as you are - messy hair, ripped leggings, smelly armpits and all.
Okay...so I know very little about Shambhala. Ask Google. She'll know more.
The second I walked through the door I felt myself speaking in a humble whispered voice. Perhaps because everyone else was. There were 3 other people in the building when I arrived. They gave me the lay of the land - take off your shoes (check), hang up your belongings (check) find a floor cushion (check), we'll be meditating with eyes open to symbolize our connection with each other (check), grab some tea or water (check), here's the bathroom (check) and class will begin in a few minutes (check-check-a-roo).
I spent the next 5 minutes speaking softly with 2 other class participants about how their weeks had been. They discussed their week long meditation retreats and upcoming ALL DAY meditation class. (Can you imagine?) I smiled sweetly and explained that I was here to be quiet and was very excited to sit in silence with them. That's not a weird thing to say. Not at all.
Our leader, Gwin (who I referred to as Gale for the first hour), rang the bowl and it was time to begin meditation. She gave some brief instruction on appropriate posture, what to do with our gaze, breathing properly and how to handle the comings and goings of thoughts.
Now, we sit.
Have you ever been in one of those moments where someone asks you what you are thinking? A friend questions your thoughts when he notices you staring off into the night sky. Perhaps you are lying in the arms of your lover and she turns to you and asks "what are you thinking?" When I get asked this question, no matter the time or place or circumstances, I am ALWAYS thinking something. And it's usually bizarre.
What are you thinking?
I was just thinking about why I wake up every single Saturday craving lemonade.
What are you thinking?
I was thinking if the zombie Apocalypse happened right now whether or not I would try to survive. Because sometimes I think I might just want to die and call it quits. But then I worry about reincarnation and getting reborn into a less awesome body and I already have 30 years of knowledge with this body so it would probably just be best to fight it out. Unless we could disprove reincarnation. Then maybe I'd rather die.
What are you thinking?
I was thinking that if I ever got another cat I would want to name it Noodles.
My brain is always on. Always going. Always thinking. So, meditation isn't very easy for me. As I sat on my floor cushion comfortably in half lotus and focused my gaze on the swirl of the hardwood floors I began to have some thoughts. At first they were basic - food, sex, my to-do list, my cat, my body, what I would write about all of this, the people around me, etc. Focus on your breathing Sarah. IN one two three four. OUT one two three four. Come on. Find the quiet.
I was desperate of a quiet moment. So I tried hard. As thoughts came I attempted to do that thing where you recognize them without judgement and then calmly and gently let them go. This ain't easy. Maybe I should join a commune? Mmm...pie sounds so good. I have to mail those freaking "thank you" cards. I wish I knew more about stars. I should start reading about stars. I need to paint my toes. I'll do that tonight. The only way I could shut my mind down was my counting breaths. So, that's what I did. For 30 minutes I counted my breaths. IN one, two, three, four. OUT one, two, three, four. At some point, the floor began to breathe - rising and falling. I noticed the swirls on the floor we moving. Um. Am I on shrooms? Nope. I had just breathed myself into hallucinations. Too much oxygen? Too much focus? So, I decided to return to normal breathing and just go ahead and let my mind think about whatever it needed to, because I was starting to feel nauseous.
My toes were beginning to go numb when Gwin rang the bowl. It was time for walking meditation. With our hands balled in a fist and pressed to our stomachs we walked in slow circles around the tiny space. Walking meditation was much easier for me, because I just noticed various things in the room. Ooo, orchids. Ooo, antique wood chair. Oooo, pretty shrubs outside. Oooo, my feet are sticking to the floor. Oooo, who are those robed men with their pictures on the wall? Walking meditation wasn't exactly my thing either.
I'm not a very good meditator. I suppose I could try and train my mind to be still, but it just seems too hard and vomit inducing. I prefer Yoga. I enjoy having something to focus my thoughts on - like the physical pain of pigeon pose, that bastard pose.
After meditation we gathered in a circle and did an exercise. The group was now up to 6 people, including the leader. Big turn out. We were given a sheet of paper and asked to write 4 things about ourselves we were willing to share with the group. Mine?
1. I have curly hair.
2. I eat unconventional things for breakfast
3. I am very sarcastic
4. I cry at Hallmark commercials.
Then we had to pass our paper in a circle and each person had to write 2 more things about us. This was interesting for me since I KNEW NO ONE IN THE GROUP MORE THAN 5 MINUTES. So, I had to scramble to think of things to say about strangers. Um, Kate wears lovely brown skirts? Mark is warm and welcoming? Gwin has a calming presence? It was hard to come up with positive characteristics about strangers! In the end I stuck with appearance and friendliness. I didn't worry about what people were writing about me. I've never cared much for what strangers think of me.
When I got back my paper, people had written....
kind
strong
willing to try new things
is going to die
has a lot of give
has good posture
wears red well (i was wearing my red tunic)
is alive
Very astute new friends. Very astute.
We talked about how the words on our paper made us feel. I was cheerful and pleased with my paper. This exercise didn't bring about any big feelings for me. I am all those things. Woo hoo! But for other people, it was hard to accept positive comments. It got kind of intense as participants argued about the words on their paper - "That's not me" "I'm not those things" "The only thing I am is sad". Church was starting to feel more like group therapy. It got intense. It got quiet and not the good kind. Not the kind I was there for. We worked through some of the thoughts, but were unable to come to any conclusions (such is life). It's nice to have a group of people you can share these thoughts with and they can help you work through them. It's just, that's not why I was there. I didn't want to hear about anyone's problems...I came to be quiet.
I was ready to leave. The quiet was done and so was I. I said my goodbyes and my thank yous and got in my car. I turned up my music and sped off toward the next thing on my to-do list.
I've tried meditation several times now and I like it....in small doses. It's kinda how I feel about olives. A few olives in a Greek salad? Sure. A few on a supreme pizza? (hmmm...pizza) Yummy! A giant bowl full of olives for snack? Um. No. Gross. Olive tapenade? Goo. Ain't gonna happen. I can be down with 10 minute meditation sessions to help clear the mind, but anything over that is as unappealing as big bowl of olives.
Still, I need to find time to be...still. Time to just breathe. Maybe today I will put down the phone, turn off the music, keep the chicken in the kitchen and just enjoy a relaxing non-multitasking bath.
Well....
Actually...maybe tomorrow. I'm really busy tonight.
BUT I do hope you find time to bask in the peaceful quiet my friends. I really do.
Ohm.....Ohm....Ohm....tra-la-la-la....
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