Time is the Master

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Pink Floyd's "Time"
 

This is what happens....


Time starts moving faster and you start moving slower. It's horrible.


I remember a time when the days dragged on and on. They were never ending. Especially, if there was something special I was looking forward to in the evening or over the weekend. I would play on the swings, write some spelling words, practicing typing on the TYPE WRITER then read a book and yet the giant black and white clock hanging above the teacher's desk barely moved.


About ten years later in my twenties I noticed time picking up. I would write lists of things to fill up my day - Go to Target. Check out thrift shops. Create an art piece out of found objects. Make a costume for the gay bar. Bake a pie. Whip up 300 Jell-O shots. Think about writing that paper. Watch Dawson's Creek. Illegally download music. -  and found I could only fit in half of them. Where once the days were endless now they were limited....and I didn't like it.

But there was nothing I could do. Time not only didn't stop, it kept speeding up.

College was over in a blurry drunken glitter-dusted flash. The year I took off to "explore" (binge drink) lasted as long as a bad hangover. Graduate school started and magically I had a Masters and a career and a big girl mattress and a car payment and a retirement plan. One minute I was a sheltered little princess whining for more recess and then suddenly I was a grown lady freaking out over late fees and delighting in having the time to properly scrub my bathtub.


Trying to squeeze something else into my life these days is maddening. And I'm an unmarried childless non-homeowner. How other people get through the day is beyond me. As a child I was involved in everything - tap, ballet, vocal lessons, acting classes, youth group, gymnastics, etc. Now, when I think "Maybe I'd like to take an African dance class? It's only an hour." I quickly shut down the idea, because I can't conjure up a free hour anywhere. Where once hours were quickly used up and discarded like candy wrappers now they are endangered species on the verge of extinction.

WHERE DID ALL MY HOURS GO?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!???!?!?1!!?!??*!??!


Right now I have a sink, refrigerator, freezer, cabinet, desk and closet full of dirty dishes. I haven't scrubbed my tub in weeks which is fine because I don't have time to shower anyway. I completely forgot about THREE of the bills I was supposed to pay this month (I DO NOT FORGET TO PAY BILLS). I have roughly four dozen unfinished craft projects sitting around my apartment. I haven't had time to go to the grocery store so I've been eating the expired yogurt the kids can't eat at the preschool for my meals. I haven't had time for a work-out in ages. I have "to-do" lists from August still unfinished on my work desk. I haven't even had time to enjoy a glass of wine lately! I owe pretty much everyone in the world a thank-you card and I need to make a Halloween costume and plan my birthday that I'm too tired to celebrate and I should probably start Christmas shopping and HOLY HELL WHEN DO I HAVE TIME TO GO TO CHURCH?!?!?!!!!!?!?!

Whew. That was a lot. I'm sorry. I'm full of feelings today.

Saturday night I searched and searched for a church that met at a convenient time on Sunday. Every service I found was impossible to fit into my schedule.  Sikh's met too far away and for too long and I didn't want to cut the experience short. There was a biker church in St. Gen that sounded amazing but that's two hours away. The Taoists do an online sermon, which felt like a cop-out. I planned on attending a Nation of Islam service until (so glad I researched that one) I learned they were considered a hate group and were not too fond of white people - this journey isn't really about challenging other people's beliefs, if they don't want me there, I don't want to be there.

Finally I settled on a Muslim Mosque. Why, you ask? Because they have five services a day every day. LOTS OF FLEXIBILITY. It's just....I haven't gone yet. Sunday was a SUPER busy day and Monday was even more hectic. Today I am committed to cleaning my fucking apartment head to toe and Wednesday I am going to the doctor in the morning and I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR so the rest of the day will be dedicated to sitting in silence drinking in the dark. So, that leaves Thursday or Friday my friends.

I know..I know...all this just to tell you that I haven't been to church yet. My apologies.



This is one of the biggest downsides of wanting to do ALL THE THINGS.

You can't.

You simply can't.

You'll never have enough time to do all the things. Even if you live to be a hundred and three. Even if you use TONS of speed and have lots and lots of money - you still can't do all the things.


So, I'm working on letting go and trying to be happy with what I CAN do...

The world will not come crashing down if I pay a bill two days late. I am not a complete failure if I gain 20 pounds of stress weight. (didn't mean to rhyme there) Housework CAN be done later, but maybe I don't have to attend EVERY social event that comes my way. It's okay to stay home alone and scrub the tub - that doesn't make me a loser. It's okay if I miss a church visit here and there - this is my journey and my life and I have to do what's best for me. I don't owe anyone a blog post. This is about me, not my readers.


So...if I make it to church this week, you'll have another post to read. If not, I'll just post some pictures of my newly spotlessly cleaned apartment. You know what they say....cleanliness is next to godliness.