MEGA CHURCH

It was time.

A quaint rural church, a small gathering of Quakers, one on one with Scientology, a quiet stroll in the garden - I was taking the easy road.

It was time for crowds.  It was time for expansive parking lots with men in orange vests directing traffic. It was time for giant screens cascading from the ceiling and elaborate lighting schemes. It was time for hip young praise bands. It was time for compelling Christian performance art. It was time for hands up, "hallelujah", jumping around, and crying out. It was time for.....

MEGA CHURCH.

I returned from Portland, OR very late Friday night, fell into bed, woke up late Saturday afternoon and proceeded to spend the entire day doing laundry, cleaning my SUPER disgusting apartment and drinking tequila. 10 loads of laundry later I had washed my bed skirt, my mattress pad, my sheets, my pillow cases, BOTH of my comforters, my shower curtain, my bath mat, my kitchen rug, my dish towels, my bath towels, wash clothes, face towels, workout clothes, all of my socks, miscellaneous winter clothes I found buried in a corner behind a chair and several cardigans (my favorite clothing article of all time).  It was one of those cleaning frenzies where you find yourself bleaching the walls and organizing all the cleaning supplies under the sink.

Then on Sunday morning I realized I hadn't washed any actual clothes or underwear. Classic Sarah.

But I didn't really care. Afterall, I was going to MEGA CHURCH and who cares what they think of me anyway. Still, I had to find something decent. I couldn't see myself going braless in sweatpants and a tank top. That's just not my style. In my suitcase was one clean dress that never got worn during my Portland extravaganza. Lovely. Luckily I had many colorful cardigans to choose from. Perfect. And then in the back of the closet I found them - fancy uncomfortable underwear and a push-up bra from back in the day when I used to care about such things. I put myself together and looked in the mirror. Hey. Not too bad. I look kinda cute. Fairly slutty, but kinda cute.  Then I trotted off to church with cleavage that could have stopped traffic.

*I briefly considered inserting an image here as I do have one. But after finding my blog on websites like "guess her snatch" and "big booty hoes" I decided against it (stay classy Internet). It's fairly easy for your image to be made into porn without your consent, So, I've learned to be careful about the images I select. You'll just have to trust me on the cleave. It was impressive. AND totally inappropriate for church.

Navigating my way to church was easy - I just followed the long lines of cars to Faith Church in Earth City, MO. No real thought or energy required. I'd driven by Faith Church many times on my way to KCMO. Seeing how it's the size of a shopping mall it's hard to miss. One side of the building is lined with tall garages for semi-trucks to pull up to. This place is huge. Orange vested men guided me to a parking spot. I parked the car and watched as more and more people piled into the parking lot and bus after bus dropped off loads of excited people.

I expected this place to be ridiculously large. And I wasn't disappointed.

If it's been a while since you've been to church
you should know that dress codes no longer
exist.

Where most churches have a nice lady posted at the door to hand out bulletins and help answer questions this church had about 6 people just designated to OPEN the door. Then there was another group handing out information. THEN if you had any more questions you could visit the welcome desk equipped with TV's advertising church events, several helpful people, and goody bags for first time visitors (woo hoo!)

Personalized Faith Church umbrella anyone?

If you've got some time to kill before service begins you can grab a coffee or perhaps a snack from their coffee shop (i hear the cheese panini is excellent). Or maybe you would like to peruse the gift shop also located in the lobby? Gift shop?! I remember thinking how cool it was that my childhood church had a library and served donuts and lemonade drink. This church was all kinds of fancy.






They've got a summer camp. They have a preschool. They have a singles group for 20s, 30s, and 40s (my dad did always tell me to go to church and find a nice boy. hmm...). There is even a motorcycle group (Righteous Riders? Harleys to Heaven? God Squad? Lots of possibilities in that one). Oh! I forgot to tell you about the playground outside. It's clearly modeled after candy land with it's cupcake canopies and candy like colors. AND they stream contemporary christian music through the large above head speakers ALL THE TIME. I mean seriously!!!!

Truth be told, I'd already made up my mind about Faith Church before I even wheeled onto their parking lot. They have a Sunday morning TV spot I'd caught a few times. Joel Osteen has a cheeseball advertisement endorsing the church. Plus, I'd read lots of reviews about how the church only cares about money and nothing else and how affluent David and Nicole Crank (founding pastors) had become off scamming their congregations (they have multiple locations). Also, I don't care for MEGA CHURCHES. They seem fake to me as do the people who attend them. There was no real connection with God to be had there and no decent person to meet.

Well. I was wrong. I loved my experience at Faith Church and the lovely individuals I shared the moment with. I know, I know, it surprised me too.

There were things I wasn't crazy about. Like the hip praise band with a super smiley girl singing and wearing one of those ridiculous headbands that goes across your forehead and an oober cool and deep guy playing guitar and wearing a button down cowboy shirt complimented by his faded jeans and Fun. haircut. Excessively happy people freak me out. And I don't buy for one second that you are "high on Jesus". Please! Over smilers are usually on drugs, masking their infinite sadness or just had the best lay of their lives. Hope it's the latter praise band peeps.

Praise band. Note the fancy lighting scheme.

Usually I'm not much for Christian performance art - are you familiar with this art form? Usually it's a multi-media event. Powerful music, graphic images displayed on the screen, perhaps a lady in white dancing or just empty chairs. Anyway, it's usually meant to illicit strong emotions. Faith Church found a loophole in my distaste for Christian performance art - patriotic Christian performance art. Anything honoring service men and women tugs at my heartstrings. I have the utmost respect for the armed forces and am completely incapable of resisting a man in uniform. So, when Faith Church created a live version of the statue of Marines holding the American flag I was totally moved. Especially since this Sunday marked the 150th anniversary of the battle of Gettysburg, our most bloody American battle. It was done with just the right amount of cheese and reverence. Super smiley girl and cool guy sang "My Country Tis of Thee" in the background. I was powerless.

 

 

At this point, the room is now packed. According to the plaque on the wall, the large sanctuary can hold nearly 1700 people. There had to be at least 1000. I sat fairly close to the front on the aisle. Slowly, people came and filled in the seats around me. The singing and praying was done. It was sermon time and this week the church was hosting a special guest pastor - his name I don't remember, but he was amazing!

 

I laughed. I was surprised. I was confused. I was taken aback. I teared up a little. I felt peace. I felt joy. I felt inspired. What more could you ask for in a sermon?

 

The pastor was this young charismatic man in his 30's. His mannerisms and speech patterns reminded me of Dave Chappell. He had us all rolling in the aisles. Then he dropped a bomb - he told us about his pornography addiction. Pretty bold if you ask me. Porn ain't looked to kindly upon round these parts. In fact there's a sign along the highway saying "Pornography Destroys" with a picture of a sad child next to the words as if to say "every time you look at that Hot Lesbian Sluts page a child's heart is broken." I have no firm stance on pornography other than it's really not my deal, but I don't think it's murdering children. However, this pastor confessed it was something that HE FELT was destroying his life and he felt ashamed of it especially since he was a married pastor of a conservative church. He talked about how he felt he should quit the church - that he had become a hypocrite and was unfit to follow God. This is the part I liked - the part where he started talking about no matter who you are and no matter what you've done you are not beyond the point of being loved, by God or anyone - including yourself.

 

The whole crowd cheered. People jumped to their feet applauding and screaming. Apparently this is something we all have in common - thinking we aren't good enough, but wanting so desperately to be.

 

 

Merciful heavens, why is it so hard to love yourself?

 

There is that grand old saying that you can't really love anyone until you love yourself, but I don't think that's true at all. I think it's much easier to love other people than it is to love yourself. For some reason, it's easy to look beyond the flaws of others and see them for the wonderful people they are, but it's nearly impossible to do the same for ourselves.

 

Now, the sermon I listened to had a lot to do with Jesus. Through Jesus our sins are forgiven and through Jesus we have eternal life. There's nothing you can do to EARN this gift, this love, it is yours free, bought and paid for. No strings attached. Well, except , if you don't say "I believe Jesus is my savior and I accept him into my heart" and then, depending on what denomination of Christianity you believe in, get baptised and lead a righteous life then you not only don't get the gift of free love but you also burn in hell forever and ever.

To me, that sounds like some skeezy underhanded offer and I don't buy it. God's love is free, no fine print, to absolutely everyone - even people who don't believe in Jesus. You don't have to do or say anything - you are enough just as you are and just as you are you are worthy of great love.

 

I know how cheesy this sounds, but it's a message we all need to hear because lately I've been hearing the opposite from my friends and loved ones. I've been hearing about how much they hate themselves and how lost they feel and how ugly and stupid and so on and so on. So, apparently we all need a little more cheese in our lives. Break out the crackers! (and wine)

 

Let me channel my inner Whitney Houston for a moment....

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived as I believed. No matter what they take from me... Blah Blah Blah. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. (The greatest looooooveee of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllll...i could go on for days).

 

 

I believe in God. I've made no secret about that. I believe God loves us ALL unconditionally. Again, no secret. And I also believe that if God, who knows all and sees all, still loves us then the least we can do is love ourselves and each other. I've found great freedom in simply accepting myself for the amazing and beautiful person I am. Regardless of your belief system, I hope you can do the same.

 

 

Woo...I went off on a tangent and forgot about church. It was pretty much over after the sermon. We watched a few "inspiring stories" on the jumbo screens and then we prayed and gave some money (they ask for 10% like every church I've ever visited) and then got to wait in a long line to exit the sanctuary just to wait again in a long line to exit the parking lot.

 

 

The reason I loved Faith Church wasn't because of their fancy lights or their Chai Lattes or even their message about God's love. The reason I loved the visit was because it reminded me that there is something valuable in every experience and in every person for that matter. Another experience that wasn't what I expected it to be. 

 

Sheesh. 25 weeks left to go....I've got to stop setting expectations!