Buddhism 2.0 - This Time I Brought Socks

To the Blessed One,
The One Gone Beyond,
The Fully Awakened One,
The Great Physician,
The Supreme Teacher

You came to this earth
And through your own efforts
You obtained the Awakened state
Overcoming all suffering and distress.

Through your great compassion
You showed us the path to liberation
You taught us the merit of compassion, wisdom and equanimity.
To you, the Glorious Teacher, I prostrate.
                                            - from the Supplication To Buddha


How fast can you chant "equanimity"?  Not fast enough friend. Not fast enough.

There was A LOT of chanting at the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City. I spent the weekend in KCMO for a reason I will discuss later in the blog. My dear friends Kon and Lacey live here and happen to attend a Tibetan Buddhist service, so I tagged along. Since this was my second go at a Buddhist service, I felt much more prepared - i.e. I brought socks. Go Sarah Go!

The Rime Center is much bigger than the quaint Zen Center I attended last week. It looks like a more traditional church from the outside with bright red double doors that open to a table filled with candles for lighting. Down a long hallway where you take off your shoes and coats there is various information on new members and Tibetan needs and upcoming classes, etc. You turn a corner and enter the "shrine room" an expansive colorful space where flags drape from the ceiling and posters of the Dali Lama are hung. Past the sea of deep red floor cushions is a bright shrine radiating with gold statues and elaborate drawings of deities. Dressed in a tan and red dress with my favorite navy polka dot cardigan and bright blue belt I found a cushion along with my church posse - Lacey and her fabulous mom Sheila - and we read through the multi-page service instructions as we prepared for our experience.

There is a considerable amount of pageantry involved in this particular Tibetan Buddhist service. Seemingly out of no where speakers hanging above the room boom out this loud tuba and drum music as the preceptors enter the room.  It's slightly ominous and a little scary. We all stand and bow with hands at heart center. Then comes the chanting. Rapid paced monotone chanting led by a stereotypical I.T. looking guy wearing a robe who seems to be bored with the whole chanting process. I couldn't keep up. There were some big words!

Many of the chants are repeated several times and followed by a 10 minute mediation. Chant chant chant. Now sit in silence. Chant chant chant. Now sit in silence. I became aware of something during the second mediation - a growing anger. I tried to do my yoga breathing. In with the good. Out with the bad. Breathe in peace. Breathe out unrest.  Didn't work. I was angry about something. I thought about several things that were irritating me in my life at that moment - and trust me there's plenty - but none of them explained this new angry sensation that was taking over my Buddhist service experience. I didn't know what was bothering me! Not yet.

My anger made me irritable and unable to concentrate. I kept my eyes open during mediation and just stared at the wall. I was tired of all the fast chanting and quiet sitting. My legs were cramping. Then we sang a chant song. It was simple, slow and repetitive. I liked that. I closed my eyes and visualized Tara floating above me and sending me her light rays just as my instruction book told me to. It was nice. I felt good. The song chant ended and so did my good feelings. I turned the page of my service instructions to see that coming up is a chant we get to repeat....wait for it....108 times. 108 times?!?! Holy hell. You have got to be kidding me. I'm ready for this to be over.

It almost was.

After the excessive chanting sequence we had our Dharma Talk. A lady, a professor, sat in a chair and talked about things. Honestly, I didn't listen much. I seldom do. I was exhausted and I don't like being talked at. I much prefer the conversational method of Dharma like at the Zen Center. However, she did say something that caught my ear. It was about controlling your emotions. Timely, right. She had a three step method for dealing with your emotions. 1. Recognize your feelings without judgement. 2. Hold your heart and feel your feelings. Emotions will only last ninety seconds unless you feed them. 3. Leap into the next activity with an open heart and mind.

Huh. Interesting. Don't feed your emotions and they will only last for ninety seconds? Really? So, I shouldn't drown my sorrows in cake and booze? Is that feeding them? But my emotions get hungry! What about screaming horrible things at people when I'm angry? That's okay, right? Storming out of the room? Crying hysterically? Being really self destructive? Threatening physical violence?

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not in control of my emotions.

Then the universe gave me a little test...

After the service we walked outside. Lacey turns to me, "Did you get Hannah's text? The show is postponed." The universe cancelled the Alabama Shakes concert. The whole reason I was in Kansas City. The massive snow in Denver delayed their travel and the show was moved to Monday night. I had to be at work Tuesday morning in St. Louis. I wouldn't get to see them. I wouldn't get to have a life changing music experience. I wouldn't get to rock out to some sweet soulful tunes (great band. check em' out) with my best friends and make memories that would last a lifetime.

Mother fucker.

 I was furious. I was enraged. I was massively disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming. I felt like falling down on the pavement and kicking and yelling and throwing things until the universe changed it's mind and gave me what I wanted!! I know this is a small problem and doesn't really matter in the scheme of things but I really really really wanted to go to the show!

I stomped around outside and then remembered the lesson for the professor lady. Emotions only last 90 seconds unless you feed them. Sheila said I was feeding them. I pretty sure I yelled something profane at my dear friend's mother. I don't really remember. I was in angry Sarah mode. Yup. I'm not in control of my emotions. Not at all.

So, I thought about the 3 steps. I took a breath and realized that I was feeling angry and disappointed. I held my heart and without judgement accepted my feelings. I sat with my feelings, my angry angry feelings. Then I leaped into the next thing with an open heart - two gins on the rocks with limes and a soda straw and a giant grilled cheese sandwich. Okay, so I did end up feeding my emotions. But goddamnit, feelings are delicious! I'm going to work on it.

I did feel better. I had some laughs with my friends and we made alternate plans for the evening that involved more booze and cheese dip and good times. I accepted that I just wasn't meant to see Alabama Shakes that night. It wasn't meant to be. Sigh. I don't like when I can't get what I want, but throwing a massive tantrum and saying awful things wasn't going to make Alabama Shakes magically appear. Nor was obsessing over it and letting it ruin my whole night. I do that sometimes. Seriously, I get really worked up about silly stuff. I have a hard time letting things go. My emotions rule me. I am their slave. They make me do awful awful things sometimes. I've consumed whole cakes at my emotions demand. I've threatened to brutally murder people I love. These days must end.

I'm not a fan of all the pageantry and chanting and deities and gold statues and elaborate bending sequences involved in Buddhism. But I think they are on to something with this whole - controlling your emotions is part of the key to enlightenment thing. That makes sense to me. Think I might give it a try. Controlling my emotions, not Buddhism.



I will leave you with a little sampling of the brilliance of Alabama Shakes. I'll just have to Hold On until I can see her sing this live...

moo.