Scientology, Snow and Signs

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. 
                           - John Lennon (and probably lots of other people.) 


On Tuesday I filled out a personality test on the Church of Scientology's website. A few hours later a woman called me to schedule a time to come in and talk about my results. We decided on a Sunday morning so I could attend their worship service after my evaluation.

Commence anxiety.

Usually, I'm calm as a bluejay about attending new churches. I actually get kind of excited. Oooo...what will I wear? Who will I meet? Will something magical happen? What will I write? I get a bit nervous about not knowing what to do or where to go, but if there's one thing you can say about Sarah Thomas it's that she's not afraid to make a fool of herself.

This week was different - not the fool part, the calm part.

Over the week I got messages and phone calls and looks from concerned friends and family. I wanted to be fully prepared for the experience so I did some internet reading on the Church of Scientology. You know how when you have a strange spot on your body and you research it on the internet and all you read about is how that spot is a cancerous tumor and you are probably seconds away from death? Yeah, that's what it was like researching Scientology. Except usually that spot you're worried about turns out to be a weird sun reaction or chocolate caked on your body whereas I was fairly certain my visit to the Scientology church would be EXACTLY like the internet said it would be if not significantly worse. I was scared.

So, I waited for God to send me a sign.

On Sunday morning I rose with the determination of a solider marching into war - brave but scared shitless. I checked the weather - a large snow storm was moving into the St. Louis area. I figured if the snow was light in the morning I could still make it. I showered, even washed my hair, and picked out an outfit that made me feel confident and pretty. I looked out the window to see how hard the snow was falling. I'm doing this. I adorned myself with love - a ring from my Nana, a clover necklace from my Grandma Terry, a purple glass bead I'm fond of, new earrings that were sparkly and the silver rings my parents gave me. These things will protect me. 

It was sleeting when I walked to my car. The streets were white and my car was covered in snow and ice. I'm doing this. For the past 5 years I've been meaning to buy an ice scraper, but naturally haven't because that would just be too simple. No instead, I prefer to use a CD case or trash from my car or my hands. Once the car was mostly clean I put the keys in the ignition, turned on NPR and pulled into the street. I'm doing this. I drove down the block before I could feel my wheels spinning on the pavement. Yup, I'm not doing this. I drove myself right back home. If one of the 6 biggest snow storms in St. Louis's history happens in the Spring on the Sunday you were planning on visiting a Scientology church it is most likely a sign that you should park your car and get your butt back inside.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think God would inconvenience all of St. Louis Metro just to prevent me from going to church. I'm not that special. When I say "God sends me signs" I'm not talking about a white robed "man" on a throne in "heaven" waving his "magical" scepter over my life in an effort to "guide" me toward the "right path". I believe God is something inside us and all around us that we can choose to ignore or acknowledge. So when I say "God sent me a sign" I partially mean I sent myself a sign and I partially mean the universe/God sent me a sign and I chose to acknowledge it and act accordingly.

So, I didn't go to church on Sunday. That's 2 Sundays I've missed church because of bloody snow. I'll admit I was a little relieved. I took off my church clothes and threw on my sweats and sat in my comfy chair and drank a wine called Lazy Bones and ate chips and salsa and watched church on TV.

Ahh, yes. Church on TV with the famous Joel Osteen. What a treat! Joel Osteen is a super smiley pastor with a GINORMOUS Christian church in Texas that has televised services on Sunday. At the beginning of every service he has the stadium sized congregation raise their Bibles and say, "This is my Bible. I am what it says I am. I have what it says I have. I can do what it says I can do..." It goes on. It's long. I don't want to type it all out. Google it. When people get all serious about the Bible and use it to justify actions I get a little nervous. The Bible is full of very interesting stories and guidelines for navigating this world, but it's also full of crazy shit like women shouldn't braid their hair and various circumstances for when it's okay to kill someone. Joel didn't go into that during this particular Sunday service. Nope. Guess what Mr. Osteen was preaching about this Sunday???

Watching for signs from God.

Now, isn't that something?

He spoke about the small ways God speaks to us. He talked about the voice inside your head that tells you what to do being the Holy Spirit guiding you (Wait? Did Joel Osteen just admit that God is inside of us?). He talked about the tasks God puts before you as small tests. He talked about how the signs are there for you to ignore or acknowledge and that happiness is yours for the taking or the leaving.

How very fitting. How very fitting indeed. It was like a confirmation e-mail saying my decision was the right one and my happiness would be on it's way shortly.

As for visiting the Scientologists - I want to try again. This is where reading the signs is tricky. So, was I just not supposed to go THIS Sunday or any Sunday ever? See, I don't know. I wonder if maybe I should skip the personality assessment - being alone in a room with someone trying to convince you to join a cult is kinda scary. Maybe I should just attend their worship service? Maybe I wasn't strong enough this week? Maybe I'm supposed to wait for a Sunday where I'm feeling super confident and assertive? I don't know, but my guess is there will be a sign.


Who knows where I'll be next week. It is Easter Sunday. You know, I think I'll stop telling people my plans.