Down the Rabbit Hole of Scientology

Alice started to her feet, for it flashed before her mind that she’d never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket or a watch to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again. 
                             - from Lewis Carroll's book Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Scientology is a vast wonderland of exciting possibilities, potentially hazardous choices, fascinating characters and unusual scenarios. Aliens? Pastlives? Secret messages in my brain? Untapped potential? Cure my asthma? Tell me more, Scientology. Tell me more.

You know what they say though... curiosity killed the cat lady. 

“Something” didn’t want me to go down this rabbit hole. So,it wasn’t surprising that my drive was stunted by a marathon blocking literally every possible route to The Church of Scientology. Screw you universe. I WILL go to church this morning! Even if I have to fucking walk there! And walk I did. With considerable effort and somewhat illegal driving procedures, I found entry to a gated community near enough to the church, parked in the street and me and my cowgirl boots hightailed it to church
.

This is the only pic I took of the church.

Out of breath, I explained, “I’m here for…I was going to attend your service and I have an…I have an appointment.” A very tall midtwenties man in a dress shirt and tie directed me to the service on the second floor of the building. The door was opened for me in silence by another shirt and tie twenty something. A group of 15 people were sitting in folding chairs while a man at a podium was speaking. He stopped when I entered the room, looked up at me and said,  “Welcome.Please join us. I will speak to you after the service.” One of the attendees pulled a chair over for me and I joined in on their worship service.

For those of you who are interested in knowing more about how Scientologists worship I will give you a breakdown of their very complicated service: 

1st: There is a reading of their core values. (I missed this) 

2nd: They either watch a video or read a passage

3rd: Service is now over

This particular Sunday a passage was read from a book by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, called The Way to Happiness. The leader talked about the first step in achieving happiness - taking care of yourself. This was broken into 5 parts - get care when you are ill, bathe, brush your teeth, eat well, get rest. These are the people I was afraid of? People who need to be reminded to brush their teeth?! Classic. Service lasted 15 minutes, although I missed 5 of them. Cream puffs and water were served after. I didn't eat or drink anything.  

After the service the real adventure began. I met up with Donna, the woman who called me every night for 5 days until I rescheduled my appointment for my personality evaluation. We sat down at a desk and she pulled up my results...

So, a few weeks ago I filled out a 200 question personality test on The Church of Scientology's website. They call it the Oxford Capacity Analysis (OCA) though it has no affiliation with Oxford University. Most non-Scientologists disagree with the tests credibility and consider it a tool used to manipulate people into thinking they need Scientology's services - mainly auditing, the process where you can correct some (or all) of your unfortunate personality traits. 

Donna read my results from a sheet of paper starting with the most troublesome points. My biggest problem? Irresponsibility. According to the OCA I am irresponsible, act without thought and blame others for my problems. This does not pair well with my crippling aggression - which pushes people away from me. I am ruled by my emotions and my mood can change rapidly. My actions are often irrational and a direct result of my overpowering emotions. This is part of the reason I am unable to maintain a (romantic) relationship. I am anxious and do not relax easily. I am too critical, which most people find obnoxious. I am social, but not social enough. I am empathetic, but not enough. I am happy, but not happy enough. 

Naturally, Scientology could help me with all of it. 

About these results - they aren't entirely wrong. I wouldn't classify myself as someone who is irresponsible. I have a job. I pay my bills on time. I bought tickets to Lollapalooza instead of spending that money getting my car fixed. I keep dirty dishes in the refrigerator. Okay maybe there is some truth to that one after all. I have a temper that is rather vicious, but for the most part I keep it under control, I think. My emotions definitely rule me. No argument there. Relationships make me bat shit crazy and I think it's just best for everyone if I remain single. I'm more anxious than I let on. I'm a habitual nail biter. I break into hives waiting to get my oil changed. I wouldn't use the word "critical". I would say "opinionated" and yes it drives my friends bonkers. As for social and empathetic - I feel okay there. Happy? Well, who doesn't want to be happier? 

Fair enough Donna, I've got some stuff to work on. Donna asked me questions about my relationship with my family, job satisfaction, sleeping routine, difficulty with anxiety or depression, socializing habits, etc. I knew she was trying to find a sensitive spot - something I desperately wanted to be different. But see, I know I have a lot of work on, but I rather like my life. I mean, I want thinner thighs, but there didn't seem to be anything Scientology could do about that. Or is there? 

Donna asked what brought me to church - what was I looking for? I responded with exactly what I put in my blog, "I'm looking for something. I'm looking for a better understanding of God, myself, the universe and it's people. I'm looking for more pieces to the puzzle. This may or may not be another one." 

According to Hubbard, Scientology offers the simplest and most accurate explanation for the meaning of human existence and contains within it a specific formula for helping humans reach their full potential. He says this in his book Dianetics which (don't judge me) I purchased. Well, I spent 2 hours conversing and watching films with a Scientologist and I've read several chapters of Dianetics and I can tell you that Scientology is anything but simple - it's globidiglook. Luckily, my recent church visits have greatly aided in my ability to interrpret and simplify globidiglook. This may be my greatest challenge yet, but I shall try.

Scientology Beliefs Break Down (wicka wicka):

1. Man is good and his (all male focused language. not surprising.) chief goal in life is to survive.
2. Man cannot reach his full potential because of something called The Reactive Brain. There are two parts of the brain - analytical and reactive. The reactive part of your brain stores all the bad things that have EVER happened to you and creates an "engram" out of them. Engrams contain negative thoughts, feelings, messages and even physical sensations. When we are presented with a situation similar to what caused our engram, our reactive mind is triggered and we behave irrationally in accordance with our engram. This is the cause of our suffering
3. In order to decode and clear these engrams we must go through a process called "auditing".
4. The process of auditing is different for every person but involves you (the pre-clear or patient) and an auditor. Together you delve deep into your earliest memories, maybe even tapping into your past lives, experiences in the womb, or alien remnants from 75 million years ago. The length of this process varies for every person, but is generally fairly extensive and ongoing.
5. Auditing has the ability to solve all your problems. ALL of them. Your relationship issues, your bi-polar, your asthma, your infertility, your homosexuality, your back pain, your social anxiety, your lack of business success, etc. It will increase your sense of smell, your sex life and your intelligence. Once you are "Clear" you are basically a super human full of infinite possibilities. The world is your oyster!

This is why Scientologists believe in "silent birthing", because babies are recording everything that's happening in their reactive mind. Your screaming out in pain is just one more thing they will have to deal with in their auditing sessions. There are specific regulations for how Scientologists raise their children - which most of us are at least a little familiar with thanks to Suri Cruise.

There's more. A lot more. The deeper your delve into Scientology the weirder it gets. Like a machine called the e-meter that can read your thoughts. Or signing a billion year contract to join their most elite group the Sea Org, a naval "academy" that does secret stuff on the ocean. But that's for the higher ups. Being a pre-clear, Donna and I didn't get into all that and just stuck with the basic 5 things I outlined for you.

I have to admit, I does sound kind of amazing. A magical cure for all your problems? Hmm...maybe I'm not actually bad at relationships. Maybe it's just my damn reactive mind. Maybe if I just go into a room with a stranger for a few hours a week I will be transformed into a responsible, calm, happily married woman gliding through life with ease and confidence. What if it's true? What if this is the key? There are a lot of really pretty Scientologists who seem really happy and successful. John Travolta. Jenna Elfman. Leah Remini. Jason Lee. Erika Christensen. Are they on to something?

Donna pointed out that there are a lot of similarities between Scientology and Hinduism. Hubbard also draws comparisons between his theories and the concepts discussed in Buddhism. Accessing a higher plain of existence through the mind is not a new concept. I believe our minds do store information that we are not always aware of. I believe infants have memories of the things that happen to them, because I've seen it in my work. I don't necessarily believe they can conjure up images of their father screaming while they were in the womb, but I think the experience is in there somewhere. And I believe our minds are capable of more than we are currently using them for.

There's only one part of Scientology that greatly troubles me...and it's not the aliens or past lives...it's the money. Money. Money. Money. Buddhists don't really want your money in order to help you achieve enlightenment. In fact, they want you to give it all away and just focus on the basics. In Scientology reaching a higher plain of existence involves reaching deep into your pocket book. OR if you can't pay - you pay them with your devout servanthood. They give you a new understanding of yourself, but you no longer belong to yourself. Ahh...yes. This is where I climb back out of the rabbit hole. I'm simply too poor to be a Scientologist and I'm far too independent to be anyone's servant.

There's one other part that raises my eyebrows - this belief that we are all created with a part ourselves that is dysfunctional. I know we all have various abilities and disabilities, but this is saying something different. This is saying we were all created wrong and must overcome our wrongness to achieve true happiness. We are a flawed design. Are we? Christians say something similar. God created us in his image, yet we are sinners and must accept Jesus in order to overcome our imperfection. Are we born flawed? Are we born perfect? I don't feel perfect. I feel flawed, but perfectly flawed. Though I think our flaws are purposeful and are meant to help us along our journey in this life. See, I'm amazing just the way I am. Bruno Mars says so. So, can't I find God, achieve enlightenment, or become clear on my own? Do I not have that power within me? Why do I need your help?


Also, how does my brain remember things from a past life? My brain is a physical thing. My brain will die with my body. So, the mind transfers from human body to human body? Or is it a soul? I can feel myself falling down another rabbit hole. This journey is a series of various rabbit holes filled with adventures that confuse and exhaust me and change my perceptions of everything yet somehow nothing changes.

I've been reading too much Hubbard. This is exactly how he writes. In globidiglook.



This may not have been what you were expecting when you heard I went to a Scientology church. Welcome to the party. Leave your expectations at the door.

I had a very pleasant experience. Donna was incredibly kind and honest and open. She answered all my questions gently and candidly - even when I asked about rumors that Scientology was a cult. It wasn't scary. I never felt unsafe. She didn't pressure me to do anything. And as of right now, she hasn't hounded me with phone calls....but I know the calls are coming. I enjoyed myself. I love talking about this stuff, even though it exhausts me. This experience illustrated a code I live by - You'll never know until you try it out for yourself.