The Book of Mormon

God. I can't start with a quote again. I just can't. The whole quote thing is so freaking tired. I do love quotes though. Actually, I'd much rather continue reading Fred Rogers quotes than write, but if I don't finish this stupid fucking blog thing I'm going to feel like a complete failure. Also, I sorta kinda believe that something awful will happen to me if I don't see this through to the end. That's it. My motivation - fear and pride. I have to do this. It doesn't have to be good Sarah. Just put words on the page. Something. Anything. This. Just write what you are thinking right now...

Ahh, this is such a perfect middle part of my journey. You know when you say you are going to start something? Exercising regularly for example. If you make it past the first few days/weeks you start to find your stride. You enjoy it. You are proud of your accomplishment. You talk about it. Maybe a little too much. It becomes routine. Part of you. Almost effortless. Until...you hit a wall. You don't want to go on.You start to think about the other things you could be doing. Fun things. Exciting things. It's harder to stick to your routine, even though you've been doing for a while. You think about giving up. ALL THE TIME. You start thinking of excuses that would justify giving up. My ankle is hurting. I could do real damage if I run today. Better to stay in and rest. Just for today. We'll go extra hard tomorrow. Uh huh. Yeah. Sure you will. This is the moment where you prove what you are made of. Do you and your sore ankle jump over that stinking wall and run on as you said you would OR do you break your commitment and settle in on the sofa with a bag of popcorn and a bottle of wine?

Mmmm....popcorn

It was 11:18 pm Saturday evening. The projector hummed a quiet hum. Freshly made kettle corn was passed around as we watched Wet Hot American Summer on the screen (sheet) we attached to the wood boards of my friend's screened in front porch. Lacey and I sat slowly swinging on the porch swing, enjoying the gentle breezes of the warm night air along with the magic that is WHAS and the always delightful company of our close friends. "Did you figure out where you are going to church yet?" she turned to me and asked. "Nope. I have no fucking clue. I really don't want to go to church at all" was my genuine response.

My friends tried to brainstorm non-church experiences that I might enjoy more than a "traditional" church service. Fishing, holding a seance and having our own church service (which would have been just continuing exactly what we were doing) were among the ideas presented. None of them felt right to me. Although, in my opinion, they were all valid forms of "church". But, I knew that if I went "non-traditional" this week it would set off a spark of "non-traditional" blog posts that would basically be me just writing about my every day life. Sure it would start cool - Sarah Has A Seance but within a few weeks it would be Sarah Takes A Nap.

I couldn't do that to you. Instead I offer...

Sarah Slowly And Unenthusiastically Jogs Up To Her Wall, Awkwardly And Begrudgingly Climbs Over It And Lands Smack Dab In The Middle Of A Really Boring Mormon Church Service

That's right. Even though I didn't want to, I went to church (and even though I didn't want to, I'm writing about it). But not just any church - Mormon church!

BOOM!

When I first started out on this journey The Mormons (which sounds like a really great mock 1950's style black and white TV show, thus I decided to capitalize "The") were a hot topic. Everyone had something to say about The Mormons. Would they let me in? Should I give them my contact information? Will they hound me forever?

So on Sunday when I visited The Mormons at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Kansas City, MO I expected some excitement. I expected some danger. I expected some weirdness. I expected some harassment or questioning. I expected to have something to write about.

Nope. Nothing. Nada. It was really quiet. Totally mundane. Actually, kind of boring. But I can always find something to write about

I walked in with a large group of people who led me to the chapel. A woman was passing out bulletins but took them away when I approached and then handed one to the person behind me. I didn't blame the lady. To be fair, I did walk into their sacred space looking like a hipster version of rainbow bright - red baby doll dress, hot pink cardigan, black leggings, rainbow polka dot Keds and messy unwashed hair wrapped up in a lime green polka dot handkerchief. Color in high doses can be alarming to those without much exposure. So, I wasn't offended when no one spoke to me or sat next to me. From the looks of the congregation, this was probably their first time meeting a human rainbow.

Now, let me take a moment to explain the difference between a Mormon "church" and a Mormon "temple". Only baptized and "qualified" Mormons can go inside Mormon Temple. It is not open to the public. The temple is a sacred space where Mormons learn eternal truths and perform various rituals like weddings and binding families together for eternity so they can be together in the afterlife. Now on the other hand anyone off the street can go to a Mormon church or "meetinghouse". At a meetinghouse you can sing songs very very slowly and hear monotone speakers read letters from "The President of the Stake". Woo! And now you know the difference.

Let's talk about the service shall we...

It took place in a large room with bare beige walls. There were no pictures, no stained glass windows, and only one basket of plastic flowers that had been banished to the corner of the room. Most of the pews at the front of the room were empty. However, the back pews were packed with men in black suits with white shirts and women with long flowy skirts and their hair tied on top of their head. Sitting next to every woman was either a young child or a screaming baby. There was never a moment when the room wasn't echoing with the sounds of a screaming baby.

This was the only picture I could muster. Yes,
that is indeed my thumb blocking the picture.

 

A room devoid of color or decoration packed with crying babies. It was like a nightmare.

I've been to a few churches now. 23 actually. Plus river church and TV church. That's 25 services of some kind. So, I suppose you could say I'm a bit of a church connoisseur or perhaps more like a church critic. The Roper of religious services?

Anyway...

Having been to so many churches I can't help but compare and contrast. For the most part, Mormon church ain't THAT different than Christian church and even has some things in common with my experiences with Buddhism, Hinduism, the Hare Krishnas, Scientology and others. There were a few notable differences that I'd like to share in breakdown form...

Things That Sarah Thought We're Slightly Weird About Her Mormon Church Experience:

1. Hand raising. The congregation was TOLD when they could raise their hand to show their appreciation of something or indicate their approval/disapproval. There was no clapping. At any time.

2. Communion/The Sacrament is TOTALLY different. At the front of the room was a table where The Sacrament was covered with a white cloth. Before removing the trays of wheat bread broken into small bites a man dipped underneath the table to pray. Out of sight, but clearly under the table. THEN, it was water instead of juice that was passed around. There was no music played during the process - just the melodic sounds of screaming babies - and it took quite some time. Also, you ate before you passed it to someone else. I declined to participate. No one told me I couldn't, but I just didn't feel right about it.

3. There was no Pastor. Various people are called on to speak and every week it changes. A group of people sat on the stage taking on different roles during the service.

4. There was a lot of talk about Israel. That threw me. Apparently, Mormons have a lot of missionaries in Israel and have some money invested in the place. This all has to do with the 2nd coming of Jesus....I think.

5. Speakers often took a moment to "testify" and would then state their beliefs about Jesus, God, The Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, the 2nd coming, etc.

6. They didn't speak poorly of other religions. At one point a speaker referred to his neighbors as "Good Baptist people". That made me laugh. I grew up in a Baptist church where we openly talked about The Mormons being a cult and how they were all going to hell. (Of course I never believed that and still don't.)


They had two speakers on Sunday. One talked about fathers, which made sense because it was Father's Day. She didn't say anything that shocked me or blew my mind. Basically it was - fathers are an important part of a family, they should lead the family, we should obey, only men can be priests, men are meant to lead and other stuff. Women are not allowed to be priests in the Mormon church because that's not how the Lord planned it. Women can do other things. You already know how I feel about this.

The other speaker talked about prayer and reviewed the new "3x5 card method" the church was adopting. This "method" is simply writing down the name of 5 people on something called an index card and then praying for them every day. This is a new way The Mormons are trying to bring people to God. This man talked a lot about reaching out to your neighbors in "the ward" and bringing them into the church. I thought it was kind of funny, because there I sat, a new person, all alone, a willing listener, yet no one spoke to me (minus one lady who said "hello"). Hmm....index card method might have some flaws.

Service was over after about an hour and 15 minutes. I walked out of the church with purpose thinking God that was so not a big deal. Why do people freak out about the Mormons? The way I see it, EVERY religion is weird. No exceptions! Boy, I'm glad that's over. I need a drink. Woo hoo!! I went to church even when I didn't want to and now I get to celebrate by day drinking with my besties! Hooray!


I did it. I hurdled the wall - the church wall and the blog wall. I survived Mormon church and writing about Mormon church. I believe I just earned myself a nice tall refreshing bottle of wine. Go me!