I remember it well. I woke to the vacuum running. Which was really nothing special. My father is a compulsive vacuumer. It's not uncommon for him to vacuum three times a day. Curled up in bed in my upstairs room I could hear my family downstairs bustling around the house getting ready for church. They took extra care to make as much noise as possible. The clingy of the dishes and the boom of foot steeps seemed to scream out We are off to church! Without you! Heathen! Then I heard the garage door open and the door slam. They were gone. Under the blankets I couldn't help but let out a faint smile. After years of waking early, showering, fixing my hair, putting on panty hose and uncomfortable fancy clothes and piling in the car with my family I was finally sleeping in on a Sunday. It was glorious. It was absolutely glorious. Telling my family I would no longer be attending church was one of the best decisions I ever made.
This Sunday I woke to the piercing meows of a cat in desperate need of snuggling. I pulled my beloved black devil in close and reached for my phone. 12:00? Holy crap! I slept till NOON?!? Oh wow.
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| This is the art project Theo and I surprised Rebecca and Nathaniel with. |
I've slept in till Noon maybe 3 times in my adult life. Usually, I wake around 6:30 am regardless of when I went to bed. So, I was pretty surprised to read 12:00 on my phone. But, honestly, it felt amazing and reminded me of that first Sunday I got to skip church and sleep in. Up until 5 months ago it had been 14 years since I attended church on a regular basis.
So, obviously, I didn't attend church Sunday morning.
Nope.
I attended church Sunday evening.
Around 4:30 pm dressed in my finest floral flowy skirt I headed to The International Society for Krishna Consciousness in St. Louis. Without hesitation I opened the door to the salmon colored building. Long gone are the days when I felt nervous about entering into these strange and unknown religious places. I walk in like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Because I am.
Inside, I found 2 men sitting in the entry way, explained to them my first time status and asked for guidance. They were shocked that I just happened upon this place and came alone. How'd you hear about this? Are you in a class? You're a student of some kind? When I explain to people that I'm on a spiritual journey of sorts this seems to appease them. Though, it is rather flattering that people still think I could be a college student.
One of the men gave me a run down of the service, what to expect, basic rules and some brief background information. I entered through the large wooden door into the tiny temple space. The room was a small rectangle with beige walls, intricate wood pillars and colorful alters at each end. As others entered they threw themselves down on the ground in front of an alter, laying completely flat, and then popped back up and did it again in front of another alter. I just stood. Awkwardly. I stood awkwardly and watched people. People slowly trickled in and grabbed a carpet square and took a seat. I took my place with the womenfolk after learning that during Krishna services the women are kept separate.
Service started with chanting - drum circle chanting! Three young girls gathered around a small accordion like box playing music and singing chants into a microphone. Meanwhile, the rest of the participants were joining in the chant and making rhythms with drums and tambourines and symbols. Where did the instruments come from? Can I have one? God, it's hot in here. I'm sweating. Is there a rule against new people playing the drum? Oh, what do I care? I'm getting one. I located the instrument shelf and took a tiny drum for myself making beats and chanting for the next 45 minutes.
Suddenly everyone stood up, facing the large brightly colored alter at the front of the room. The men formed a line on their side of the room as the women did the same on their side. A woman approached me, asked my name and invited me to join in with the dancing ladies. To my left I saw all the men with shaved heads jumping up and down dressed in white gauzy robes. They were joyous and yelling and clapping and twirling each other around. What were the women doing you ask? Oh, just a simple step touch. The ladies' side was very subdued. Some women were too shy to even dance and just sat mumbling the chants. As I turned and watched the men I thought seriously about just jumping in their circle and dancing with wild abandon. But I didn't. I didn't come to ruffle feathers. I came to experience. So, I focused on how well my flowy skirt fit in with all the other women's flowy skirts and how wonderful it felt against my skin as it gently moved with each step touch and carried on with my lady dancing.
While we danced a women preformed rituals in the alter space - burning things, breaking flowers, pouring things - I couldn't really see what she was doing. Periodically, something from the alter was passed around the room - burning flames, a flower to smell and some kind of water a lady threw at me. A man and a woman were designated to pass around the blessings to the separated sexes.
Then the chanting and dancing stopped and everyone dropped to their knees placing their foreheads on the ground in prayer. I have no idea what was being said because as I was trying to decipher the mumblings I felt a slap on my backside. Still on my knees, I glanced behind me and saw a little girl about 18 months old with big brown eyes dressed in a bright pink ruffly tunic and leggings. This little girl looked me square in the eye and then smacked me on the ass. I couldn't help but laugh...kids. Her mother grabbed her away in horror. I said nothing, but smiled that "It's cool. I'm well aware of how horrible children can be. Not to worry" kind of smile.
After an hour and a half of chanting and dancing it was time for the discussion.
I grabbed a carpet square and my water bottle. The room must have been at least 80 degrees and was now completely packed with attendees. I chugged the contents of my water bottle. A nice lady informed me of today's discussion topic - The Role of Women in Krishna Consciousness. Oh. This oughta be good.It wasn't nearly as offensive as I thought it was going to be. But it was pretty damn offensive. I'll just do a breakdown for you....
What the Italian Man in the Flowers Had to Say About Women's Role in Krishna Consciousness:
1. Women were made to churn butter and take care of the house, but as times have changed we must start accepting that women can do other things.
2. Women need to be protected by a man (because of their physical and emotional weakness), but if a woman is protected by Krishna then she has no need for a husband.
3. There are lots of women in positions of power these days (listed various female Prime Ministers) and we should not treat these women as women, but instead treat them in accordance with their title/position of power. (He had pictures of various women in power...mostly women in Asia...and when he flashed each picture a large number of the men in the audience laughed.)
4. Women can be priests in Krishna Consciousness and should be allowed to speak, if they are decent speakers, even if there is a man who is a better speaker. Men are naturally more intelligent and better speakers, but women should be given this opportunity.
5. When it comes to work in the church women can do more than just keep the kitchen clean they might also be good at distributing books.
6. In the church it might be okay for a woman to speak up, especially when greeting new people, but at home it would be best if the woman remained shy and submissive.
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| Lining up for the sanctified food that I didn't stay for. |
I walked back to my car thinking....I'm weak, eh? Less intelligent? Should be kept separate? Need the protection of a man? Should be shy and submissive? Should be churning goddamn butter!?!? Fuck you! Tell me I'm less?
Then I took a deep breath and remembered....Oh. Wait. That's all a crock of shit. I don't believe any of it. Why am I getting upset?
I had this rather unfortunate incident the other day. A man at a gas station invited me to have sex with him. When I declined, stating I was in a relationship and simply not interested, he persisted to explain in great detail what he would do and how much I would enjoy the experience. It was early in the morning and I wasn't quite awake yet. I had pre-paid for my gas and felt trapped in the moment. Usually, I would come up with something smart to say or tell the guy to "fuck off" but instead I just put my head in my hands and yelled out "Oh God. Make it stop." He went away after that, but I will never forget the mental images he left me with.
I did nothing to illicit this interaction. I just responded with a "hello" when he greeted me, but I felt guilty. I thought maybe I shouldn't have said hello. Maybe I shouldn't have showered that day. Maybe my cardigan was too revealing. I shouldn't have smiled so bright. I should have kept my eyes down. I should have controlled my hips more. I shouldn't have been so obviously a woman.
No. No. I will not be made to be ashamed of my womanness. There's nothing wrong with women. We are amazing, talented, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, capable creatures because that's who God created us to be. We just live in a society that doesn't understand. Once again we continually try to separate ourselves - man/woman, gay/straight, black/white - in an effort to prove who God loves the most. You fools! God is a woman. God is everything. So, when you put down one of God's beautiful creations you are actually insulting God. Idiots. Self-righteous idiots.
I will not further insult God by accepting your idiocy as my own. I'll just go right on loving myself for the amazing woman I am and God created me to be. Thank you very much.
(This is a super condensed version of my original rant. I was up all night ranting and raving about feminism - explaining the situation to my cat in detail. It was silly, but these things really do bother me and Cole is a great listener.)
It feels good to be writing on a Monday again.
My next church adventure will be another out of state one - Sarah Goes To Church In California!
Until then...
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