Slaves to Jesus - Jehovah's Witnesses



Hello. Do you have a moment to talk? I would like to tell you about Moses.


Hannah gently explained her lack of availability to hear the riveting story of Moses as a group of wild and crazy ladies jumped around the house drinking mimosas and giggling, "I'm sorry. I have company right now." She took the pamphlet offered and closed the door. Lacey turned to me and asked, "So, are you going to go to the Jehovah's Witnesses church? Kinda seems like a sign doesn't it?" It did. So I went. Lacey, one of my bestest friends in the whole world, came too.

 

I was in Springfield, MO to celebrate my dear friend Kon's 28th birthday. We drank beer and wore suit jackets and had a glow stick fight and we danced and we cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time.

 

 

 

When Sunday morning arrived, I was a wee bit tired. Just a teeny tiny bit. I threw on a orangey-red cowl neck tunic and black leggings, tossed my hair into a messy ball of curls wrapped in a green polka dotted dew rag and didn't bother to wash off the previous nights make-up. I looked AMAZING. Lacey questioned what she should wear to the service. She was worried she would be inappropriate in pants. I called the only number I could find for the Jehovah's Witnesses church. A man answered the phone...

 

Man: Hello?

Me: Hello. Is this Kingdom Hall?

Man: No, but I am a Brother.

Me: Um, okay. Well, I'm interested in attending a service at Kingdom Hall.

Man: Which one? (apparently all JW churches are called Kingdom Hall, who knew?)

Me: One in Springfield, MO?

Man: Well there are several. (listing off places)

Me: What time do services usually start?

Man: Hmmm...around 10 usually.

Me: Are there any special dress codes?

Man: Not really. You know, you just want to dress as appropriately as you can.

Me: Okay. So there aren't any rules about what to wear?

Man: Not really. Just try to dress as appropriately as you can.

Me: Okay. Well, thank you very much. Have a nice day!

 

Dressed as appropriately as we could possibly be we entered Kingdom Hall - a small brick building without windows. Lacey was totally the only lady there wearing pants. We entered a large room with office-like chairs lined in rows in front of a small raised stage with a podium and a microphone. Within seconds of sitting down we were approached by several women (wearing dresses). Names were exchanged along with the information that this was our first visit to a Kingdom Hall. We were given Bibles and song books and work books for the Bible study portion of service. The order of the service was explained to us briefly - as there were no printed bulletins like in other churches. We met about 5 different women who engaged us in pleasant conversation. They were ridiculously friendly and approachable. Everyone was else was hugging each other and laughing and engaging in cheerful conversation.

 

Service started with a song. The song was awful. No one knew how to sing it. Especially us. It was awkward. Then we prayed. Then we sat down. Then this man, not a preacher or a minister, but a Brother got up to give a little talk. It was boring. So very boring. The only fun part of "the talk" was when we got to play the "How Fast Can You Find _____ Book of the Bible?" game. Ready? Okay! Daniel 6:9 Go! Now, Isaiah 14:5. Go! Revelation 16:3. (four seconds later) 1 Corinthians 17:2 Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Job 14:7-12. 2 Corinthians 9:15 Jeremiah 12:14 Go! Go! Go!

 

It's been a looooooooooooooooooong time since I picked up a Bible. How on Earth do you people find these pages so quickly? There are 66 books in the Bible for Christ's sake! You have them memorized? In order?!? The speaker must of used 20 different Bible references throughout his talk. That's a lot of page turning.

 

I only picked up a few things from Brother Terry's speech.

 

1. Our government is stupid and selfish (Couldn't agree more Bro Terry.)

2. The end is coming. Soon. (Hmm...well...)

3. God will do away with all imperfect human leadership. (Hooray!)

4. God will create a new world for the righteous. (Like a new planet?) (They consider the current world Satan's world.)

5. In the new world there will be no more healthcare. There will be no need. (Jehovahcare)

6. Something signifcant began in 1914. (I later researched and found that 1914 is when "the end times" began and Satan took over rule of Earth. My great grandmother was born in 1911. I must ask her what it was like before Satan took over.)

6. We must qualify for God's new world by living morally according to the Bible. (Ok. What page is that on? Never mind. I won't be able to find it in time anyway.)

 

Sidebar: I highly recommend reading up on JW's beliefs. There are some interesting ones.

 

Alright. We sang. We prayed. We listened to a boring talk from a man. Church is over now, right?

 

NOPE.

 

It's Bible Study time! Get out your workbooks, y'all. Break out them Bibles. Let's delve deep into the word of the Lord.



We turned to today's lesson in our Watchtower workbooks - You Are a Trusted Steward! This particular Bible study was about how we do not belong to ourselves. We belong to Jehovah. We are Jesus's slaves and must put his biding above our own. We must submit to God's will and be the kind of person Jehovah wants us to be (which is apparently a heterosexual non-drinker who only has sex in the confines of marriage).

 

 

 

 

 

So...two men stand on stage. One reads a short section of the lesson aloud and then the other asks the congregation to answer the study questions.

Example:

Man 1 reads: Jesus helps us to understand the relationship between master and slave. Once he spoke to his disciples about a slave who came home after working through the day. Does the master say: "Come here at once and recline at the table?" No. He says: "Get something ready for me to have my evening meal, and put on an apron and minister to me until I am through eating and drinking, and afterward you can eat and drink."

Man 2 asks: How does Jesus illustrate the relationship between master and slave?

People then raise their hands if they wish to answer the question and are called on BY NAME from Man 2 on stage. Then one of two men walking around with giant poles with microphones on them comes to you so everyone can hear your regurgitated answer. Five or Six people might raise their hands for each question. Men, women, old, young, believer, non-believer - all are allowed to answer questions.

 

Sister lady: We are to do the master's bidding before our own, but we still get to eat. Just after our work is done.

 

Lacey and I sat there taking in the scenary and reading through the interesting material in The Watchtower. Lacey pointed out an article about Invitro Fertilization and how it is wrong for lesbians to use such a procedure because it is a "Gross misuse of the sexual organs". Lacey is a lesbian who one day plans on having a family. We laughed.

 

Time was moving slowly and we were so very bored. Lacey was headed back to Kansas City shortly, so we had to cut out of Bible study early. All in all we were there for an hour and a half, and I would guess they had at least another hour of studying left to do.

 

Final Impressions about Jehovah's Witnesses:

 

* They are super friendly, warm, welcoming and very comfortable approaching new people.

* Their service is slightly more boring than traditional Christian services.

* This was the most diverse group of people I've ever seen in one place in Springfield, MO. Young, old, women, men, Asian, African-American, Hispanic...it was bizarre.

* This isn't an impression, but I just have to tell you that when we entered there was this SUPER pale and tiny lady weighing no more than 90 lbs with giant blue bugs eyes standing silently in the asile just staring and looking solemn. She looked like a ghost and talked with the tiniest voice. Only Lacey understands. She was terrifying.  

* Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs are strange, but not THAT much stranger than traditional Christian beliefs - God creating a new better world for the chosen few, women in a submissive role, homos are bad, duty to witness to others - this all sounds fairly familiar. The whole 1914 thing is weird, but in my experience, that's how it goes with organized religion. But the not celebrating birthdays or Halloween thing is just insane. I freaking love birthdays and Halloween is the greatest holiday ever.

 

So, this non-believer (or worldly person as JW's would call me) would like to wish Kendra "Kon" Konrady a super magical birthday full of sin and debauchery and love and cake and happiness.