We're All Going to Hell: The Cathedral Basilica

Hello.

You are going to hell.

Yup. You, my friend.

You will burn in the fire-pits of Satan's kingdom for all eternity.

Reading this blog post is probably enough to get you a one way ticket to a never ending inferno of torture and pain, but even if you stopped reading right now, this very second, you would still be doomed. So, you might as well read on and drink a glass of wine while you do it.

Here is a very short list of SOME but NOT ALL of the things that WILL send you to hell for all eternity to be poked and prodded by Satan and his demon minions forever and ever:

1. Drunkenness
2. Believing in witches, faeries, aliens, UFOs, ghosts or dinosaurs
3. Lying
4. Murder
5. Having any sexual contact with a member of the same-sex
6. Having sex or thinking about having sex before entering a biblical marriage.
7. Believing in other gods.
8. Jealousy.
9. Laziness
10. Tattoos and body piercings
11. Taking the Lord's name in vain
12. Smoking cigarettes
13. Watching pornography, especially Internet porn.
14. Yoga
15. Reading Harry Potter
16. Eating pork or touching pork products
17. Divorce
18. Listening to secular (non religious) music
19. Obesity
20. Rebelling against your parents


Anyone not bound straight for the fiery furnace?

There are so many things that will get you sent to hell and not everyone agrees on what they are - making it even more confusing and terrifying. Everything on this list came from various Internet sources and forums of people discussing/arguing about what constitutes damnable sins. My favorite was the argument about dinosaurs and fossils being buried by Satan to deceive us. Well played Satan. Well played.

During my church experience this Sunday I learned about a few more things that guarantee me a seat on the hot volcanic embers that will be my eternal throne after death.

They are:

21. Praying for less than 30 minutes every day.
22. Not letting "The (Catholic) Church" tell you what to do
23. Multi-tasking prayer time - like praying while driving

"You cannot hope to get in heaven without at least 30 minutes of daily prayer. And it's best to pray early in the morning" said the catholic priest during his homily Sunday morning at The Cathedral Basilica. What if I can only pray 20 minutes a day? Am I still hell bound? Is God more receptive in the morning? Do I earn more heaven points if I pray between 5:00 - 7:00 am? How many points are needed to redeem the prize of heaven? If I pray every day but ONLY in the car while driving to work and I also help sick children and recycle and never watch porn am I still going to hell?

Yes. Yes I am. See, there's no leeway here. You have to follow the rules EXACTLY or you'll get to spend your afterlife in the bubbling steaming bowels of the earth. FOR-EV-ER. But be careful whose rules you follow - not every one knows God's requirement for heaven. So...good luck, because it's basically a total crapshoot.

I grew up with this mentality - believing in all manner of sins, not the dinosaurs part though. In my teens I believed hell was a real physical location you would be sent to if you didn't follow "God's plan" and remain free from sin. I said things like "love the sinner, but hate the sin" in reference to homosexuals. I chastised members of our youth group for wearing demonic 311 band t-shirts and loving metal music (I am so so sorry). I (tried) to avoid cursing. I pledged my virginity to my husband - who I was going to meet and marry in college and then we would travel the world as missionaries raising our kids to walk in Christ.

Then life got a little more complicated. Silverchair and Beck (non religious popular 90's musicians)frequented my Discman. All the delightful gay boys I danced with in theatre productions didn't seem like the evil heathens my church had made them out to be. Around 15 I had my first real "sexual experience" and I cried and cried because I thought I had broken my pledge to God. Surely I was beyond redemption and headed straight for hell. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt I carried for a long time. But in the end it was all the guilt I decided to let go of and not the perfectly natural enjoyable experiences available in this world. It took some time, but I decided I could love Beck and homosexuals and pre-marital sex and God too.

Guilt seems to be a prominent feature in the Catholic church. Many of the prayers and call and responses during the service were about being "unworthy" "a lowly sinner" "unfit" etc, etc. There was a lot of emphasis on not quite doing everything right. Did you go to Mass this week? Hmm...only once, well...it would have been better if you went at least twice. How long since you've confessed your sins? How often do you pray? Was it at least 30 minutes of prayer? No?!? Do you even love God you worthless sack of sin? (They didn't actually say that stuff, but it was certainly implied.)

Get thee to confession! (I used the filter "Ablaze" for all the church photos today)

The notion that God created us to be fallible beings and then punishes us for the way HE created us to be just doesn't make sense. That God sounds like an asshole. Who sends someone to hell for only praying 20 minutes a day or missing a Mass here and there? An asshole that's who.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that God's not an asshole. So the likelihood that God is going to banish you to hell for all eternity for not doing everything The Catholic Church tells you do is about as likely as the physical fiery furnaces of hell actually existing. When I read about Gahenna, Tartaros and Dante's Inferno I can't help but think this notion of eternal damnation is like a game of telephone gone wrong. It sounds like a confused combination of literal, fictitious and mythological places mixed with nonsense and propaganda used to give religion/the church (too much) power. I don't buy into it. I'm not afraid of hell or God for that matter. I don't make choices in my life because of fear or what people tell me I "should" do. I follow my heart. The heart God gave me.

Now the place where I heard this horrible message of rigid religious ridiculousness was quite beautiful. If you are familiar with St. Louis you probably know of the Cathedral Basilica. It's hard to miss with it's massive size, it's Roman dark grey features and giant green glass dome just brushing the St. Louis skyline. Rain prevented me from snapping any photos the outside of the building.

Elaborate religious mosaics cover every wall and the entire ceiling in the enormous cathedral. Unique multi-colored marble pillars circle the well-lit statue of Jesus hanging on the cross. Deep cherry wood pews are detailed with carvings of crosses at each end. Sparklingly gold tiles make the place feel like a King's palace and it is. It's God's palace and it's really visually impressive.

It was also really cold. I mean freezing. Many people were wearing coats inside while it was 90 degrees outside. Sitting there in the pew next to my mother and father who were in town for the St. Louis Art Fair I found myself questioning how Jesus would feel about sustainability if he lived in the now. As the head priest was slowly kissing Bibles the altar boys were somberly assisting the other priests in various religious rituals I didn't understand I sat there contemplating various "If Jesus Were Here Now..." questions. Would Jesus recycle? Would Jesus wear jeans to church? Would Jesus like Wilco? Would Jesus be as bored as I am right now? Would Jesus let everyone come take communion or only the Catholics? Would Jesus be a good dancer...could he sissy bounce? Would Jesus be annoyed by the small child who WILL NOT STOP MAKING NOISE? How would Jesus feel about my church journey?

You weren't allowed to take pics during the service, but I did. I'm a heathen.

This went on for a while. When I'm in a situation I find boring I turn to my brain for entertainment and it never fails me. I just sat there thinkin' about Jesus in a Wilco band t-shirt collecting cans for the recycling bin and waited until church was over.

I didn't enjoy the service. I will say it was peaceful. I will say that. I've been inside the Cathedral a few times and always found it very calming. Having such a beautiful place to reflect on God is an asset for the city of St. Louis. But truthfully, I liked it better when there wasn't a service. I prefer my own personal loving relationship with God over the harsh rigid judgemental one preached during the Sunday service. We must be talking about different Gods. Oh well. Agree to disagree.

After service I grabbed a bite with my family and was off to my second day of Loufest - a fabulous music festival in Forest Park. It was the exact opposite of calm and peaceful. BUT after waiting all year I finally got to see Alabama Shakes - the band I wrote about many posts ago who I had to miss after they were stuck in a snow storm. I got as close as I wanted to get in a crowd of sweaty people who had been enduring the hot sticky weather all day and I rocked out to Brittany's strong soulful voice. It was glorious and WAY better than church.




Stay cool my fellow sinners. It's toasty out there.

In the distance...ALABAMA SHAKES Woo!

* If you get a chance go see Fitz and the Tantrums, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Wild Belle live...because they are so so so so so so so so good.