Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign: The Ethical Society

Sunday is my day of devotion.
And not just the part of the day I spend at church.
No, the whole day.
I have chosen this day as the day I will:
Watch carefully for signs
Be open to new things
Have an adventure
Listen closely
Wait patiently
Look for God
Stick to the plan but follow my heart

And every Sunday, without fail, there are signs. EVERYWHERE. Every Sunday, without fail, there are lessons and adventures. Every Sunday, without fail, I find a connection to God. Every Sunday, without fail, my understanding of God, myself, you, the universe, and this journey changes.

I listen to NPR because I'm intelligent and kind of a hipster and nerdy and enjoy the soothing deep voices that are drawn to radio talk shows. During my Sunday drive after church a man, with a lovely voice, was talking about traveling and pilgrimages. He said people often embark on a pilgrimage when they are trying to get over something painful and want to find something good. He said on a pilgrimage people take a journey that often involves religious exploration and placing yourself outside of your comfort zone. Oh, kind and faithful readers, your humble narrator had a moment of insight and clarity. Most Sundays I rise and question what the hell I'm doing and why. I've called it a "journey". I've said I'm "searching for something". But it wasn't until this moment that I was given a word that fully describes what this is really about. I am on a pilgrimage.

I stole this pic. I couldn't capture the true beauty of these rainbow
windows. Plus it wasn't sunny enough. Pretty place, eh?

On this rainy St. Patrick's Day I found a treasure at the end of the rainbow...The Ethical Society of St. Louis. A church with rainbow windows? I'm sold.

I'm all about holiday spirit, so naturally I wore my green and white polka dot dress to church along with my cowgirl boots and black cardigan. Due to the rain, I was sporting my oh-so-chic Gilda Radner hair. I found my way to the visitors table. Most places have some little section where visitors can get information and meet someone who will answer their questions, etc. A lady asked me to fill out a name tag. As always, I smiled, wrote down my name and then hid the badge in my purse as soon as she was out of view. I was given an envelope of visitors information which was perfect because I neglected to do any research about The Ethical Society. Now I had 10 minutes to educate myself.

The Ethical Society of St. Louis. Cool building.

What I Learned About The Ethical Society During The 10 Minutes Before The Service Started:

1. Ethics is the religion of The Ethical Society.
2. The Ethical Society is affiliated with Ethical Humanism, but welcomes all religious backgrounds including atheists.  
3. They believe in the worth and dignity and uniqueness of all persons. (We are all special snowflakes)
4. They believe we are all part of the earth and therefore must cherish it and all life on it. (Lots of vegetarians and vegans.)
5. They believe in the freedom to choose and question.
6. They believe in interrelatedness. We are all connected.
7. The Ethical Society/Ethical Humanism in nontheistic, but that doesn't necessarily mean members don't believe in "God". The believe in an ethical "God"? Hmm....

Okay. Service is starting.

Sidebar 1: I love signs. Love em. I'm always looking for signs, reading the signs and piecing the signs together to try to unlock the mystery of what the universe is telling me. Seriously. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I believe this crap with all my heart. It's exhausting, because signs are really confusing and easy to miss and easier to misinterpret. I chose my grad school because of a sign. I fell in love because of a sign. I started this journey because of a sign. It's deep, people.

Sidebar 2: I visited The Ethical Society before. When I was in grad school I did an internship at That Uppity Theatre Company (weirdest summer of my life - musical numbers about slavery, maybe slightly inappropriate lap dancing with a very kind disabled man and dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.) and the director was given an award from The Ethical Society so I attended her ceremony.

Anyhoo...

Okay, service. It's started. A group of people got up on stage and led us in a song, but a song unlike any song you've probably ever sung at a church service. It's called "The Rain Song". You use your voice and body to create the sounds of a rainstorm - blowing, snapping, clapping, slapping your legs, jumping, etc. It's one of the things we taught the Missouri School for the Blind children when I was interning at That Uppity Theatre Company. Yup, that's some kind of sign, though I have no idea what it means. The song was a blast though. Little old ladies howling like wind, stomping their feet and prancing around like monkeys - at the end animals come out because the rain is over. Everyone was laughing. It was sweet.

This picture doesn't do it justice.

Have you ever seen geese fly in a V across the sky? It's amazing. One time I was coming home from a crap day at work and saw literally hundreds of geese in multiple V formations flying across the sky. It was breathtaking. It was also a sign.

After our rain song a woman got up and talked about why geese fly in formation. The uplift from the V creates a benefit for the birds behind one another and they can fly up to 71% faster than when they fly alone. When the leader gets tired another goose comes to take her place. The geese in the back honk continuously to encourage the ones up front to keep going. If something happens to a goose, sickness or injury, two geese fly down with her to keep her safe or wait with her until she dies. Then they rejoin the group - leading, trading places, and encouragingly honking until they reach their destination together.

That's the power of working together. That's the power of friendship. That's the power of nature. That's the power of love. (Cue Hewy Lewis song).

Nature gets this stuff. I can picture sitting and having a smoke with a very intelligent goose and her just being like, "Duh, Sarah. We all want to get somewhere warm. Why not help each other out? It's not rocket science." We are part of nature too. Why can't we tap into our collective power the way Geese do?



Service continued with a classic looking professor - silver ponytail, mismatched outfit, comfy shoes, flask in pocket (seriously) - who gave a talk on war. Of course, geese help each other. We kill each other. Way to go people! Hooray humanity! His talk was very intellectual and mentioned a lot of historical facts about war that I must admit I was not familiar with. My mind was still in Gooseland.

 



This is the ceiling of the auditorium. Isn't it beautiful?

The group that did the rain song, Occupy Ethical, got up and did a very cool drum song. I really enjoy drums. I've wanted to find a good drum circle. Sometimes at work I will start making beats and my kids will come along and create complimenting ones or bust out raps. After one such moment my kid turned to me and in all seriousness said, "Sweet jam session Ms. Sarah." Kids. During the drumming they took a collection for a charity. Guess what charity would be receiving the money from that offering? That Uppity Theatre Company. Why was I being reminded of that bizarre experience that I seldom like to talk about???

Ah, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, now I remember. Geese. Uppity. Interrelatedness.

During that time, I cut off all my loved ones. I barely spoke to my friends and when I did I was angry with them. I was angry because they didn't understand how difficult things were for me. They didn't understand, because I didn't tell them. I was flying solo. Well, trying to. And it was fucking awful.

 

Needing other people scares me. The one thing I prize most about myself is my independence. Though I suppose there's only so much you can accomplish on your own. Sometimes you need someone to give you a little lift. I'm lucky to have an expansive formation of family and friends backing me up. I just need to be honest about when I'm tired of carrying it on my own and need the gaggle to give me a little assistance.


Service ended with handshakes and introductions. Everyone was very friendly. I noticed one of the clerks from Target was a member. Yup, I frequent Target so often I know the staff. I spoke briefly with a few people, but had lunch plans and had to skedaddle.

After lunch I called up my dear friend Rebecca and explained that I was in bad need of fun and company. We watched The Craft and ate chocolate and drank wine and talked and laughed and I got some place sunnier much faster than I would have all on my own.

Um, so...I have this friend Kon and we sometimes make silly videos for each other. It's a fun thing to do. So, well, I made her this video of a puppet singing "Thank You For Being A Friend", you know, The Golden Girls theme (but actually an Andrew Gold song from the 70s). It's ridiculous, but so am I. I thought I'd share it, because 1. It's good for a laugh and 2. It's my small acknowledgment to all of you who have lifted me up during this journey and all the journeys before. Thanks friends. Enjoy this very random gem!

 

I like the Humanist perspective and I enjoyed their service. I like the concept of living by ethical standards, treating people with dignity, valuing the earth, learning from each other and putting a focus on building relationships with people. I agree with all of that, but there was something missing from the service for me personally. I can only describe it as God.

TTFN. Ta-Ta For Now. ♥ (that's from Winnie the Pooh by the way)

Buddhism 2.0 - This Time I Brought Socks

To the Blessed One,
The One Gone Beyond,
The Fully Awakened One,
The Great Physician,
The Supreme Teacher

You came to this earth
And through your own efforts
You obtained the Awakened state
Overcoming all suffering and distress.

Through your great compassion
You showed us the path to liberation
You taught us the merit of compassion, wisdom and equanimity.
To you, the Glorious Teacher, I prostrate.
                                            - from the Supplication To Buddha


How fast can you chant "equanimity"?  Not fast enough friend. Not fast enough.

There was A LOT of chanting at the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City. I spent the weekend in KCMO for a reason I will discuss later in the blog. My dear friends Kon and Lacey live here and happen to attend a Tibetan Buddhist service, so I tagged along. Since this was my second go at a Buddhist service, I felt much more prepared - i.e. I brought socks. Go Sarah Go!

The Rime Center is much bigger than the quaint Zen Center I attended last week. It looks like a more traditional church from the outside with bright red double doors that open to a table filled with candles for lighting. Down a long hallway where you take off your shoes and coats there is various information on new members and Tibetan needs and upcoming classes, etc. You turn a corner and enter the "shrine room" an expansive colorful space where flags drape from the ceiling and posters of the Dali Lama are hung. Past the sea of deep red floor cushions is a bright shrine radiating with gold statues and elaborate drawings of deities. Dressed in a tan and red dress with my favorite navy polka dot cardigan and bright blue belt I found a cushion along with my church posse - Lacey and her fabulous mom Sheila - and we read through the multi-page service instructions as we prepared for our experience.

There is a considerable amount of pageantry involved in this particular Tibetan Buddhist service. Seemingly out of no where speakers hanging above the room boom out this loud tuba and drum music as the preceptors enter the room.  It's slightly ominous and a little scary. We all stand and bow with hands at heart center. Then comes the chanting. Rapid paced monotone chanting led by a stereotypical I.T. looking guy wearing a robe who seems to be bored with the whole chanting process. I couldn't keep up. There were some big words!

Many of the chants are repeated several times and followed by a 10 minute mediation. Chant chant chant. Now sit in silence. Chant chant chant. Now sit in silence. I became aware of something during the second mediation - a growing anger. I tried to do my yoga breathing. In with the good. Out with the bad. Breathe in peace. Breathe out unrest.  Didn't work. I was angry about something. I thought about several things that were irritating me in my life at that moment - and trust me there's plenty - but none of them explained this new angry sensation that was taking over my Buddhist service experience. I didn't know what was bothering me! Not yet.

My anger made me irritable and unable to concentrate. I kept my eyes open during mediation and just stared at the wall. I was tired of all the fast chanting and quiet sitting. My legs were cramping. Then we sang a chant song. It was simple, slow and repetitive. I liked that. I closed my eyes and visualized Tara floating above me and sending me her light rays just as my instruction book told me to. It was nice. I felt good. The song chant ended and so did my good feelings. I turned the page of my service instructions to see that coming up is a chant we get to repeat....wait for it....108 times. 108 times?!?! Holy hell. You have got to be kidding me. I'm ready for this to be over.

It almost was.

After the excessive chanting sequence we had our Dharma Talk. A lady, a professor, sat in a chair and talked about things. Honestly, I didn't listen much. I seldom do. I was exhausted and I don't like being talked at. I much prefer the conversational method of Dharma like at the Zen Center. However, she did say something that caught my ear. It was about controlling your emotions. Timely, right. She had a three step method for dealing with your emotions. 1. Recognize your feelings without judgement. 2. Hold your heart and feel your feelings. Emotions will only last ninety seconds unless you feed them. 3. Leap into the next activity with an open heart and mind.

Huh. Interesting. Don't feed your emotions and they will only last for ninety seconds? Really? So, I shouldn't drown my sorrows in cake and booze? Is that feeding them? But my emotions get hungry! What about screaming horrible things at people when I'm angry? That's okay, right? Storming out of the room? Crying hysterically? Being really self destructive? Threatening physical violence?

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not in control of my emotions.

Then the universe gave me a little test...

After the service we walked outside. Lacey turns to me, "Did you get Hannah's text? The show is postponed." The universe cancelled the Alabama Shakes concert. The whole reason I was in Kansas City. The massive snow in Denver delayed their travel and the show was moved to Monday night. I had to be at work Tuesday morning in St. Louis. I wouldn't get to see them. I wouldn't get to have a life changing music experience. I wouldn't get to rock out to some sweet soulful tunes (great band. check em' out) with my best friends and make memories that would last a lifetime.

Mother fucker.

 I was furious. I was enraged. I was massively disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming. I felt like falling down on the pavement and kicking and yelling and throwing things until the universe changed it's mind and gave me what I wanted!! I know this is a small problem and doesn't really matter in the scheme of things but I really really really wanted to go to the show!

I stomped around outside and then remembered the lesson for the professor lady. Emotions only last 90 seconds unless you feed them. Sheila said I was feeding them. I pretty sure I yelled something profane at my dear friend's mother. I don't really remember. I was in angry Sarah mode. Yup. I'm not in control of my emotions. Not at all.

So, I thought about the 3 steps. I took a breath and realized that I was feeling angry and disappointed. I held my heart and without judgement accepted my feelings. I sat with my feelings, my angry angry feelings. Then I leaped into the next thing with an open heart - two gins on the rocks with limes and a soda straw and a giant grilled cheese sandwich. Okay, so I did end up feeding my emotions. But goddamnit, feelings are delicious! I'm going to work on it.

I did feel better. I had some laughs with my friends and we made alternate plans for the evening that involved more booze and cheese dip and good times. I accepted that I just wasn't meant to see Alabama Shakes that night. It wasn't meant to be. Sigh. I don't like when I can't get what I want, but throwing a massive tantrum and saying awful things wasn't going to make Alabama Shakes magically appear. Nor was obsessing over it and letting it ruin my whole night. I do that sometimes. Seriously, I get really worked up about silly stuff. I have a hard time letting things go. My emotions rule me. I am their slave. They make me do awful awful things sometimes. I've consumed whole cakes at my emotions demand. I've threatened to brutally murder people I love. These days must end.

I'm not a fan of all the pageantry and chanting and deities and gold statues and elaborate bending sequences involved in Buddhism. But I think they are on to something with this whole - controlling your emotions is part of the key to enlightenment thing. That makes sense to me. Think I might give it a try. Controlling my emotions, not Buddhism.



I will leave you with a little sampling of the brilliance of Alabama Shakes. I'll just have to Hold On until I can see her sing this live...

moo.

Hello Moon! Experiencing the Zen Center

Only a fool looks at the finger that points to the moon.




 "Shit! Ugh. Facebook is being stupid." says the monk siting on a cushion, draped in a red robe  and fumbling with his iPad while trying to read the group a passage for our discussion time. It was quite amusing. Though, it doesn't shock me that a Buddhist monk would have a Facebook account, struggle with road rage, use curse words and talk about having great sex. I realised long ago that religious leaders are actually just human beings, but I enjoyed the reminder.

This is the Bo Kwang Zen Center. Ta-da!

The Bo Kwang Zen Center is a Zen Buddhist temple that's part of the Taego Order of Korean Zen - and no, I have no idea what that means. It's also a house.  Just a regular ol' house in a little neighborhood across the park from my apartment. The space is small and can't accommodate many, which worked out well, because there were only 5 people in attendance including me and the leader.

Usually I do some research on the "church" I'm visiting and their core beliefs, basic information, etc, but this week I spent all my time just trying to find a Buddhist temple that 1 - had a service on Sunday and 2 - didn't start at 6:00 am. So, I ended up at Bo Kwang without any knowledge of what the hell I would be doing there.

I did know I was supposed to bring socks. So naturally I forgot them. Classic Sarah. I was also supposed to dress in simple colors "as not to distract". This was a challenge. I only wore 2 colors - fuchsia and black. I felt so plain. I entered the building, took of my shoes, exposed my bare feet, and stood there awkwardly while 3 men talked about stuff. I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. I was frozen in awkwardness. This is awkward. There's only 3 other people here. It's so small. God, there's nothing to look at on the wall so I can't even pretend I'm busy. I don't know what to do with my hands! I guess I'll just stand here looking like a weirdo staring off into space and say nothing. Yup. That's what I'm doing. A few minutes later I was invited to sit on my mat and cushion and they realized it was my first time and I was a stranger and were very warm and welcoming. Introductions were made and the service was explained briefly.

I stole this from the website. My experience looked the same.
Same monk. Different day.

With incense burning Hae Won Sunim, the monk leading the service, struck a wooden fish with a stick to keep rhythm and began the melodic Korean chanting. We kneeled. We bowed. We stayed bowed. We stood up. We stayed stood up. And then we did it all over again several times while 2 of the 5 people in the room recited the traditional Korean chant. It all felt kind of silly. But it was new and different and exciting and it wasn't another boring sermon about Jesus - so I loved it.

After the chanting we had a 25 minute silent meditation. I tried to clear my mind and focus on nothing. My brain has been absolute mush lately. Seriously, it's like jell-o. I can't form coherent thoughts. My feelings are out of control. I feel weird. Weirder than usual. So, I tried to take a break from it all. I once took philosophy class where the instructor had us count from 1 to 10 and any time you had a thought you had to start over again. It's impossible. Thinking about nothing is impossible! My brain kept churning out weird unnecessary thoughts and I couldn't make it stop. Suddenly, Hae Won Sunim made a very alarming sound with the sticks (I jumped) and mediation was over. I was relieved. Is there a pill that turns off your brain? Cause I want it. Now.

Time for tea! Hooray!

Yes. Tea and talk time! When I'm not drinking booze, I'm drinking tea. I love tea. I'm drinking green tea right now. And talking is one of my all time favorite things to do. It's my chance to drain some of the thoughts swimming in my head. Oh, I love to talk - especially about religion. These people were incredibly intelligent and insightful. So much so that I worried I wasn't smart enough to share my feelings - but of course I did anyway. Sharing feelings is my favorite!

Thoughts/Ideas/Things That Were Presented During "Tea and Talk" That I Found Particularly Interesting (yeah, i love lists, less than tea and talking, but still it's up there.)

* The man sitting next to me offered an idea I enjoyed. He commented on how trees mimic lungs in their appearance and actions. When I got home I sat outside my apartment and stared at the trees noticing how their branches indeed looked like the branches in the lungs. Both givers of air. Mind = blown.

* Dependent Origination. Do you know about this? I didn't. Look it up. Basically, it's about how everything is connected - nothing is separate - nature, us, the universe, all of it. And because we are all connected we all effect (with an "e" or an "a"? i never know!) each other. There's a lot more to this. I had never heard of this specific term, though I've always believed we were all connected.

* Hae Won Sunim talked about God and the beginning of creation. If in the beginning there was only God then what did God use to create all the things? If there was nothing but God, then everything was created of God. Everything is God. Everything is connected because everything is ONE thing - God.

*You are the only one who understands your mind. No one can alter what goes on in there, except you. (No kidding. Does this discount my whole profession? Let's hope not. Actually, I don't really care if it does.)

* We talked about direct experience. Hae Won Sunim read a passage about Buddha talking with another dude from the book Old Path White Clouds by Thich Nhat Hanh (read off his iPad). There were two parts I connected with:

 My goal is not to explain the universe, but to help guide others to have a direct experience of       reality. Words cannot describe reality. Only direct experience enables us to see the true face of reality.          
  
 I must state clearly that my teaching is method to experience reality and not reality itself, just as a finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself. An intelligent person makes use of the finger to see the moon.


Direct experience. That's the only way to understand the world. You can spend all your time reading books and attending church services with intelligent spiritual people - but until you go out and live and see for yourself you will never understand. I get this. I've always been the kind of girl who had to experience it for herself. You could have screamed at me until you were blue in the face that I shouldn't have gone to that warehouse with that stranger (read my first blog post)- that it was dangerous and stupid and I wasn't thinking clearly - and you would have been right, but I wouldn't have listened. I had to find out for myself. I had to experience it myself. And I can't bring myself to regret it, because it brought me here. Here - where I am seeing things differently and expanding my mind and meeting interesting people and having new and strange experiences. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be. (I know this is not what Buddha meant exactly, but I still think it's applicable. Or maybe I just want it to be. Either way.)

Many of you have sent me messages and said you feel as I do - you are searching for something, you question the religion of your upbringing, you are intrigued by the concept of "God" and religion, you are trying to figure out who you are and how you fit in to the world...
There's only so much you can get from reading my blog - most likely, just a slight chuckle and the understanding that I am fucking crazy. You're going to have to go out and experience "it" for yourself. Whatever "it" is to you. I can't really help you with any of "it". I can just tell you about my experiences and you can tell me about yours and we can help point each other in the general direction of the moon.

Until next time my friends...

My Childhood Friend Became a Pastor and Her Sermon Made Me Think About Things

Is it just me or are congregations getting smaller? Are fewer and fewer people going to church? There are several studies that say there are indeed fewer people going to church - at least fewer going on a regular basis. I have an overwhelming desire to site articles and research studies, but this ain't grad school or Lincoln Douglas debate so let's press on.

The choir didn't know the songs either. We've
got to work on our singing people! 

Sometimes when I visit a church I feel like I'm witnessing the fall of Rome. I see myself 30 years in the future with gorgeous curly gray hair saying, "Oh yes. I was there. People used to wake up on Sunday morning and put on these things called "panty hose" and go to a giant building filled with long benches where they would awkwardly sing oddly worded songs and recite things together and listen to a person talk about this really old book that was supposedly written by God." Most likely hipsters will buy up these old unique looking buildings and turn them into Speakeasies or art galleries or thrift stores or we will all have vintage stained-glass in our homes or whatever will be cool in 30 years.

Are churches dying? The congregations certainly are.

Me and my dear Grandmommy. She hates pictures. This is
as close to a smile as she would agree to.

Oh, don't get mad. I love old people. In fact, before church I went to visit with my nearly 102 year old great grandmother. She's amazing and ornery and I adore her. But she doesn't go to church. She's done lived out her church goin' days and now she sits in a chair and reads or watches the birds or sleeps. Nursing homes are filling up with former church goers, but no one is coming to take their seats in the pews. What is the fate of the church? Are churches dying because they are no longer relevant? Do we care?

Why am I going to church?

When I go to church I want to be awoken in some way. I want to have a new thought or a new insight or a new feeling or a new question. A good sermon can accomplish these things and my dear friend Becky Schwandt knows how to give a good sermon. She had me thinking about all kinds of things.

Becky is the pastor at Southminster Presbyterian Church in Springfield, MO.  I've known Becky since she was 13 - before either of us had gotten our periods or kissed a boy. Yeah, me and this girl go way back. We used to stay up late reading Bible verses to each other. We were locker partners during middle school and high school. We were roommates all throughout college - back when me and Rev Becky used to take breaks from paper writing by having "costume smokes" where we put on weird outfits and smoked cigarettes on the front porch of our dorm. We traveled Europe together surviving off nicotine, beer and friendship. Yeah, Becky's not some high brow self righteous pious preacher. Nope. She's a down to earth regular gal who happens to be really smart and has a close relationship with God. I think that's why her sermon was so accessible.

I don't have much to say about the actual service. The church is this huge triangle building with giant ceilings that make you feel very small and very disconnected from others around you. The singing was your standard awkward out of tune mumbling. They pray and make announcements and take offering and do other church stuff. At one point Becky poured water into a bowl and said some words I didn't listen to. I have no idea what was going on there. They did a children's message which is always fun, because children's faces often reflect the confusion we are all feeling. There was a lot of that repeating things together crap. The usual. Standard church fare bores me.

BUT...

Becky's sermon I really enjoyed. It was clear, concise, accessible, memorable and insightful. I would expect nothing less from a Drury graduate. Her topic was "The Longview" and trusting God's plan for us. She talked about Abraham and how he had hard a time being patient and waiting for God to fulfill his promise to give him a child. Her message: Be patient. Be obedient. Trust God. Good things will come.

Oh Rev. Becky. I understand what you are saying, but I struggle with this one.

What about Carpe Diem? What about live in the moment? We've all seen RENT - No Day But Today - right? I am a live in the moment kind of girl. Screw the consequences. Damn the Man! Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Who knows if there will be a tomorrow? Who says God has a plan for me anyway? Who says I want to follow God's plan? I do what I want.

Truthfully though, living in the moment is often a gamble. Sure, sometimes you end up at some crazy party drinking fancy drinks and dancing the night away with some glittertastic drag queens until the wee hours of the morning. But other times you end up walking 2 miles home wearing only a stranger's t-shirt with your contacts glued to your eyeballs and your head pounding. If you are a live in the moment person you must take the good with the bad. It's ain't always pretty.

But at least you know. There's no guessing "what might have been if..." I can't stand not knowing. I can't stand the thought of missing out on an experience. I'm the last one to go to sleep. I close down the bar. I don't want to miss one second. What if I wait for "God's plan" and nothing happens and I've missed out on all that fun/occasional shame and sorrow? What if "God's plan" is as boring as a traditional church service? What if God is just some concept we created to help us make sense of the chaos that is life and therefore there is no plan because there is no God and we are all just flailing around on this planet until we die and are buried in the ground?

I am full of questions. Well played Becky. Well played.

I do believe in God and I believe in Fate and I believe in a Plan. Kinda. I question it often. But then I have these moments where I can feel something greater at work. Then I feel good about my beliefs for a moment and then something else happens and I question everything again. It's a vicious cycle. This sermon came after a week of tragedy and death. Not tragedy that touched me personally, but those close to me and my family. It seemed like every day there was more bad news - someone else killed, someone else sick. How does that factor into the "longview"? How do gas leaks and mass spread cancers and strokes and heart failure factor into the longview?

I don't pray often, but I prayed at Becky's church. Well, I don't know if it was really praying. I said the many names of those I know who are experiencing deep sadness and uncertainty this week over and over. I said your names and I thought about you and I tried to send you my love. Does this do anything? No. Probably not. Sometimes it makes me feel better to know people are thinking nice thoughts about me, especially at times when I struggle to come up with nice thoughts myself.

I feel sad. Monday Sarah feels sad. Sunday Sarah only thought about these things briefly and then put them in a box that said "Don't Open Until Monday" so she could enjoy the Oscar party and all the food and fun without having to worry about it being ruined by sad feelings. I'm a great compartmentalizer. Woo.

Let us not end on a sad note. Life is a crazy journey. At least we don't have to do it alone, right? Thank God for that.

(I will now search the Internet for something to make us feel a little happier.)

Ah! I have something. My cousin posted this the other day when she was feeling a bit yucky. It certainly brightened my day. Listen to these goats yelling like humans and remember life is beautiful, weird, but beautiful.

P.S. Thank you for reading this. You make me feel loved, so I wanted to send a little love back your way. If I know you, if I don't, if we are estranged, if we are acquaintances, if we share the same experiences and beliefs or if we are complete opposites - whoever you are - thank you for sharing this journey with me. 

Swedenborgianismisticexpialidocious

 No rich man's worth his weight in dust. Bury him down same as they'll do us. God wants us busy, never giving up. He wants nothing but the whole wide world for us.

- Jakob Dylan

 "Nothing but the Whole Wide World"

 

 

Someday I will make a list of all the things I love. High up on that list would be driving in the sunshine with the windows down, my hair wild and free, listening to an amazing song, and singing as loudly as possible.

 

Sarah Drives to Church in the Sunshine Playlist:

1. Kishi Bashi - Manchester

2. Xavier Rudd - Follow the Sun

3. Jakob Dylan - Nothing but the Whole Wide World

4. Blitzen Trapper - Furr

5. Alt-J - Tessellate

 

 

Mmm. Best morning drive ever. Hmm, it's 10:59. What?! Oh my god! It's 10:59!!! I'm late! Where is this place?! Oh my god! I'm lost. I'm late and I'm lost! Ahhhhh!!!!

 

After a slight turn around, I find The Church of the Open Word (Garden Chapel) - a Swedenborgianism church in Creve Coeur. I'm about 7 minutes late (I hate being late). I jump out of the car and run up the stairs to the front door. I can hear the singing. They've already started. Crap. I figure I can just sneak in the back. No one will notice. I'll be really really quiet. I push open the door and enter the building looking tired but moderately adorable in my new seafoam cotton dress with tiny white flowers, a black cardigan, black leggings and black patent leather buckle shoes (my church shoes). Three steps later I am inside the main chapel and realize the joyous singing is coming from all of five people. There is no hiding my lateness. Plan B: Activate charming smile and sit down as quickly as possible.

 

Have you heard of Swedenborgianism? I hadn't.

 

Do you know how to pronounce it? I didn't. (Call me and I'll tell you. I don't understand phonics.)

 

Let's learn together! (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

       

Swedenborgianism was founded by Emmanuel Swedenborg, a Swedish scientist and theologian. Swedenborg had heavenly visions for some years- including conversations with angels, dead persons, and "demons" - then he had some revelations. Those revelations became Swedenborgianism in the late 1700's.

 

A Breakdown Of What I've Learned About The Beliefs Of Swedenborgians That I Think Are Mostly Accurate, But May Or May Not Be, Because Often Internet Sites/Books/People Are Full Of Lies:

 

1. They follow 2 main Commandments - Love God with all your heart and soul and love thy neighbor as thy self.  "Love is our very life" (a quote from a pamphlet on their beliefs)

2. They do not believe in The Trinity. (Father, Son and Holy Ghost) Jesus is God.

3. They think other religions are okay.

4. You should always be growing.

5. Question things. It's good.

6.  Hell is an internal state of evil. Heaven is an internal state of good.

7. They don't believe in a literal devil.

8. As a church they do not take a specific stand on social/political issues like abortion and homosexuality. Members are free to make up their own minds about such things.

9. What's true is true. What's false is false. (said by Swedenborg himself)

 

I should also include there are several websites that claim Swedenborgianism is a cult. I'll admit, the whole "I see dead people" thing is a little weird to me and hard to believe. But other than that, what I've researched about Swedenborgianism just kinda makes sense and actually seems less cult like than many traditional Christian churches.

 

Enough learning. Let's talk worship service...

 

So, super smiley Sarah gathered up all the necessary printed materials needed for today's service (bulletin, song sheets, etc) and sat down in the 2nd row of the tiny little chapel. A man named Paul was playing guitar and leading the group in song. A few more people trickled in and I didn't feel so bad about being late.

 

Oh how I love to sing! I will tell you, that tiny group of people sang with more volume and joy than any of the other churches I've attended who've had five times the voices. We sang lots of songs, so I just sang my little heart out. I miss being in a choir. I really do.

 

We prayed. We had a moment of silence. There was a ceremonial opening of The Word. Things were read. Joys and concerns were shared. Offerings were given. They did a lot of reading things in unison. You know, the usual church fare.

 

I greatly enjoyed this service. First off, the setting is beautiful and full of light. You can see the trees through the windows and the sun illuminates the whole room. The architecture of the building is actually based on Swedenborg's writings about the connection between spirituality and nature. The room is created of natural materials - stone and wood. The grounds surrounding the building are full of quiet places to reflect - including a meditation trail.

 

But mostly I enjoyed the service because it was positive. There was no "end of times" talk. There wasn't a listing of sins. There wasn't any bashing of other religions. There wasn't any guilt or condemnation. No one droned on for hours about so many unconnected things that I got lost and started playing M.A.S.H. (You know, the game where you marry Larry King and have 10 kids and drive a clown car and live in Death Valley? Tell me you know about this or I will feel very alone.) They talked about how God loves us and we should love each other. They talked about tools God supplies us with to navigate this world. They talked about sacrifice and forgiveness and love and love and more love. I found myself sending up a little gratitude to God -

(deep sigh). This week has been rather magical - music and friends and love and conversations round the fire and brownies and sunshine and snuggles. I've felt so much love this week. It's been overwhelming. I've literally felt full of love to the point where I thought I might explode kinda like Violet full of juice in Willy Wonka. It's been wonderful and so very needed. Thank you. Thank you for sending me here today. I don't think I could have handled another "believe what we believe or enjoy the sweaty blistering infernos of hell for all time" church. So, thank you for this moment and all the magical moments of this Valentine's week. Thank you for your love.

 

Then I did something I haven't done in a very very very long time....

 

I, Sarah Thomas, participated in Communion.

 

Now let me explain...

 

There are 3 main reasons I participated in this particular Communion (I'm really enjoying lists today. Deal with it.)

 

1. There were only 15 people in the whole room and Paul came around and offered it to each individual. It would have been inappropriate and a hassle to decline.

 

2. In my haste to get inside I left my water bottle in the car. My water bottle is another one of my security blankets. It's kind a like "My Buddy" - where ever I go it goes. It's sitting next to me right now full of delicious water. So, mid service I developed the very terrifying throat tickle and started to panic. I was in bad need of a drink and I was presented with a small cup of wine. Ask and ye shall receive, right?

 

3. The way Communion was presented was my main deciding factor. There was no - "All believers of Jesus may now take refreshment while sinners must remain parched in their evil ways." It was - "This is the Lord's table. All are welcome. Eat, Drink, remember him and try to live according to his teachings." He didn't say anything I didn't agree with. So I ate and I drank and I felt good about it.

 

After service they served refreshments. A sweet little table with apple slices and cheese and cake and other little nibbles was set up and people hung to chat. I grabbed myself a large cup of juice to ease my remaining throat tickle and explored the space. Several people came up to me and introduced themselves. I was asked if I had been married in the chapel. One of the ways this small church survives is off hosting wedding ceremonies. When I googled, "cutest church in st. louis" there was a listing of several wedding blogs with this church's name on it several times.

 

 

So, there I stood, unmarried, and drinking my juice. I browsed their extensive literature section and armed myself with some knowledge about Swedenborgianism beliefs. A woman named Emily approached and inquired about me and my life. I've been really hesitant to tell anyone at the churches I've visited about what I am doing. I told one lady at the Quaker meeting who privately e-mailed me and I told Emily. She and I chatted for a while and she told me some about the Swedenborgian belief structure and why it spoke to her and I shared some of my church experiences with her. She was incredibly kind and open minded. I enjoyed our chat greatly and decided I would stay after at more churches from now on.

Before I left, I look a tour of the grounds. I found the meditation trails. I was warned they were in a sad state. They were. I had to crawl through tangles of sticks to get to the sign that marked the meditation trail. That made me sad. In my brain I was thinking it would be nice to get a group together and clean up these trails. It wouldn't be hard. We wouldn't need much. I know I can't go around doing service projects at every church I visit...wait...yes, yes I can. I can do whatever I want. I'll see what I can figure out.

 

I spent a final few minutes sitting in the gazebo, reflecting in the sunshine. I thought about the concept of there being various paths to God. That makes sense to me, especially when I think about food. There are many ways to feel full. This world is full of endless flavors and tastes and ingredients. Whose to say what is right? Whose to say there is only ONE way to get full? True, some foods are healthier than others. Some, when eaten in excess will kill you. Some, even though they are healthy and many people enjoy them are absolutely digusting to me - like beets, blah, just cannot get on board with that one, but who am I to say it's not pallatable to you. Yes, I do believe it is getting close to lunch time. I am thinking in food.

 

 

 

To finish off this lovely morning I drove home with the windows down, the sun shining and my hair flying and sang this brilliant song "Manchester" by Kishi Bashi (click the video) over and over at the top of my lungs feeling full of light and love. It. Was. Magical.

 

Oh hello, will you be mine? I haven't felt this alive in a long time. All the streets are warm and grey. I read the signs. I haven't been this in love in a long time. The sun is up the sun will stay. All for the new day.

 

 

For more information about The Church of the Open Word please visit www.openwordchurch.com

They have Native American flute playing and poetry 1st Saturday of every month. Wanna go? I do!

 





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slaves to Jesus - Jehovah's Witnesses



Hello. Do you have a moment to talk? I would like to tell you about Moses.


Hannah gently explained her lack of availability to hear the riveting story of Moses as a group of wild and crazy ladies jumped around the house drinking mimosas and giggling, "I'm sorry. I have company right now." She took the pamphlet offered and closed the door. Lacey turned to me and asked, "So, are you going to go to the Jehovah's Witnesses church? Kinda seems like a sign doesn't it?" It did. So I went. Lacey, one of my bestest friends in the whole world, came too.

 

I was in Springfield, MO to celebrate my dear friend Kon's 28th birthday. We drank beer and wore suit jackets and had a glow stick fight and we danced and we cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time.

 

 

 

When Sunday morning arrived, I was a wee bit tired. Just a teeny tiny bit. I threw on a orangey-red cowl neck tunic and black leggings, tossed my hair into a messy ball of curls wrapped in a green polka dotted dew rag and didn't bother to wash off the previous nights make-up. I looked AMAZING. Lacey questioned what she should wear to the service. She was worried she would be inappropriate in pants. I called the only number I could find for the Jehovah's Witnesses church. A man answered the phone...

 

Man: Hello?

Me: Hello. Is this Kingdom Hall?

Man: No, but I am a Brother.

Me: Um, okay. Well, I'm interested in attending a service at Kingdom Hall.

Man: Which one? (apparently all JW churches are called Kingdom Hall, who knew?)

Me: One in Springfield, MO?

Man: Well there are several. (listing off places)

Me: What time do services usually start?

Man: Hmmm...around 10 usually.

Me: Are there any special dress codes?

Man: Not really. You know, you just want to dress as appropriately as you can.

Me: Okay. So there aren't any rules about what to wear?

Man: Not really. Just try to dress as appropriately as you can.

Me: Okay. Well, thank you very much. Have a nice day!

 

Dressed as appropriately as we could possibly be we entered Kingdom Hall - a small brick building without windows. Lacey was totally the only lady there wearing pants. We entered a large room with office-like chairs lined in rows in front of a small raised stage with a podium and a microphone. Within seconds of sitting down we were approached by several women (wearing dresses). Names were exchanged along with the information that this was our first visit to a Kingdom Hall. We were given Bibles and song books and work books for the Bible study portion of service. The order of the service was explained to us briefly - as there were no printed bulletins like in other churches. We met about 5 different women who engaged us in pleasant conversation. They were ridiculously friendly and approachable. Everyone was else was hugging each other and laughing and engaging in cheerful conversation.

 

Service started with a song. The song was awful. No one knew how to sing it. Especially us. It was awkward. Then we prayed. Then we sat down. Then this man, not a preacher or a minister, but a Brother got up to give a little talk. It was boring. So very boring. The only fun part of "the talk" was when we got to play the "How Fast Can You Find _____ Book of the Bible?" game. Ready? Okay! Daniel 6:9 Go! Now, Isaiah 14:5. Go! Revelation 16:3. (four seconds later) 1 Corinthians 17:2 Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Job 14:7-12. 2 Corinthians 9:15 Jeremiah 12:14 Go! Go! Go!

 

It's been a looooooooooooooooooong time since I picked up a Bible. How on Earth do you people find these pages so quickly? There are 66 books in the Bible for Christ's sake! You have them memorized? In order?!? The speaker must of used 20 different Bible references throughout his talk. That's a lot of page turning.

 

I only picked up a few things from Brother Terry's speech.

 

1. Our government is stupid and selfish (Couldn't agree more Bro Terry.)

2. The end is coming. Soon. (Hmm...well...)

3. God will do away with all imperfect human leadership. (Hooray!)

4. God will create a new world for the righteous. (Like a new planet?) (They consider the current world Satan's world.)

5. In the new world there will be no more healthcare. There will be no need. (Jehovahcare)

6. Something signifcant began in 1914. (I later researched and found that 1914 is when "the end times" began and Satan took over rule of Earth. My great grandmother was born in 1911. I must ask her what it was like before Satan took over.)

6. We must qualify for God's new world by living morally according to the Bible. (Ok. What page is that on? Never mind. I won't be able to find it in time anyway.)

 

Sidebar: I highly recommend reading up on JW's beliefs. There are some interesting ones.

 

Alright. We sang. We prayed. We listened to a boring talk from a man. Church is over now, right?

 

NOPE.

 

It's Bible Study time! Get out your workbooks, y'all. Break out them Bibles. Let's delve deep into the word of the Lord.



We turned to today's lesson in our Watchtower workbooks - You Are a Trusted Steward! This particular Bible study was about how we do not belong to ourselves. We belong to Jehovah. We are Jesus's slaves and must put his biding above our own. We must submit to God's will and be the kind of person Jehovah wants us to be (which is apparently a heterosexual non-drinker who only has sex in the confines of marriage).

 

 

 

 

 

So...two men stand on stage. One reads a short section of the lesson aloud and then the other asks the congregation to answer the study questions.

Example:

Man 1 reads: Jesus helps us to understand the relationship between master and slave. Once he spoke to his disciples about a slave who came home after working through the day. Does the master say: "Come here at once and recline at the table?" No. He says: "Get something ready for me to have my evening meal, and put on an apron and minister to me until I am through eating and drinking, and afterward you can eat and drink."

Man 2 asks: How does Jesus illustrate the relationship between master and slave?

People then raise their hands if they wish to answer the question and are called on BY NAME from Man 2 on stage. Then one of two men walking around with giant poles with microphones on them comes to you so everyone can hear your regurgitated answer. Five or Six people might raise their hands for each question. Men, women, old, young, believer, non-believer - all are allowed to answer questions.

 

Sister lady: We are to do the master's bidding before our own, but we still get to eat. Just after our work is done.

 

Lacey and I sat there taking in the scenary and reading through the interesting material in The Watchtower. Lacey pointed out an article about Invitro Fertilization and how it is wrong for lesbians to use such a procedure because it is a "Gross misuse of the sexual organs". Lacey is a lesbian who one day plans on having a family. We laughed.

 

Time was moving slowly and we were so very bored. Lacey was headed back to Kansas City shortly, so we had to cut out of Bible study early. All in all we were there for an hour and a half, and I would guess they had at least another hour of studying left to do.

 

Final Impressions about Jehovah's Witnesses:

 

* They are super friendly, warm, welcoming and very comfortable approaching new people.

* Their service is slightly more boring than traditional Christian services.

* This was the most diverse group of people I've ever seen in one place in Springfield, MO. Young, old, women, men, Asian, African-American, Hispanic...it was bizarre.

* This isn't an impression, but I just have to tell you that when we entered there was this SUPER pale and tiny lady weighing no more than 90 lbs with giant blue bugs eyes standing silently in the asile just staring and looking solemn. She looked like a ghost and talked with the tiniest voice. Only Lacey understands. She was terrifying.  

* Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs are strange, but not THAT much stranger than traditional Christian beliefs - God creating a new better world for the chosen few, women in a submissive role, homos are bad, duty to witness to others - this all sounds fairly familiar. The whole 1914 thing is weird, but in my experience, that's how it goes with organized religion. But the not celebrating birthdays or Halloween thing is just insane. I freaking love birthdays and Halloween is the greatest holiday ever.

 

So, this non-believer (or worldly person as JW's would call me) would like to wish Kendra "Kon" Konrady a super magical birthday full of sin and debauchery and love and cake and happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Snow Day!

I was standing outside the St. Louis Erotic Art Show, Naughti Gras, discussing the pros and cons of hallucinogenic mushrooms with a horned man when it started to snow. And then it kept on snowing and snowing and snowing...until the ground was covered with the fluffy white death powder.


I do not care for snow.

But on this particular evening, I found myself thoroughly loving the snow. You know why? Because I was with my friends. Friendship, at least the type of friendship I am blessed to have in my life, can make even the most unpleasant of experiences somehow magical. After the art show we played in the snow like giant children - throwing snowballs, making snow angels and swinging on a swingset. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. It was awesome. It was so cold, but it was awesome.



As the snow continued to fall, I realized church was most likely not going to be an option in the morning - especially since the Swedenborgianism church I had picked was a 30 minute drive away. See, I don't drive in snow, see. It scares me, see. I freak out and scream and drive 12 miles per hour, see. I just don't drive in snow. So in the morning, I didn't go to church.

But I'd like to tell you about what I did instead...

I woke early bursting with energy and song and ready to share my excitement for the day with my two sleeping friends who were significantly less song-filled than I was. There was name calling and death threats, but I didn't mind. It's 8 am! We've been sleeping for almost 5 hours! Time to get up! Let's play! I love you! Let's snuggle! Look at the snow! Get up! Get up! Get up! I come from a long line of morning people and I'm extraordinarily silly. The combination is dangerous. Dangerously awesome.

After a delicious breakfast of fistfuls of banana bread and cold coffee we headed out to explore the snow. My dear friend Rebecca had to head home to her husband and children (she slept over due to the random snow attack) which left me and one of my closest friends, Hannah, to our own devices. I had planned on getting early morning wine drunk (don't judge me, what do you think Jesus drank for breakfast?) and watching a televised church service. BUT, due to the Superbowl, church on TV was cancelled. Ha! Fate was clearly sending me a message - today is not for church. Today is a SNOW DAY!

Dressed in 2 pairs of yoga pants, 2 shirts, my Annie at the Landers sweatshirt from 3rd grade that still fits (depressing and yet somehow amazing), wool socks, rainbow rainboots, my raincoat, 2 pairs of gloves, my scarf and my purple hat I headed out into the snow with my dear friend. We made a feeble attempt at building a snow man, but the snow wasn't cooperating. This is a defining moment - the moment your plans don't work out and you must choose what to do next. This is where my love for Hannah explodes, because when I suggested we paint the snow with food coloring she didn't even blink. She looked deep into my eyes with an expression that simply said "Fuck yes" and helped me
gather supplies.

Hannah added a sailboat to her sunset over the ocean
masterpiece.

Hannah helped me create a tree to replace the
one they tore down last week.

 




Hannah and I became friends when we were 17. So it's fairly impressive that we still speak to each other because everyone knows at 17 you are basically an intolerable selfish asshole. Somehow we survived. Our friendship is rooted in one main concept - unconditional love. I've bitten Hannah so hard I drew blood. She's kept me up all night playing naked bbgun shooting outside my bedroom window. We've had screaming fights followed by months of silence. We've dealt with police officers, enraged ex lovers, the promises and perils of binge drinking and bad decision after bad decision. We've seen each other for the low life scum we can occasionally be and responded with one simple message, "I love you friend. Always".

This is a powerful experience. Letting someone see you, really really see you, and knowing they still love you, really really love you.

It's more than that though. We've survived the bad stuff, but we also delight in each other. We are crazy cat ladies and proud to be. We talk openly about poop and sex and religion and politics and everything in between. There's nothing we can't say to each other - and believe me we have really tested that one. We explore. We play. We dance. We sing songs - like washing dishes and singing R.Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly".  We laugh. Constantly. No matter where we are or what we are doing, we just enjoy each other. Our friendship is freeing. We accept each other fully, with no conditions and no expectations but to love and be loved.

Out there in the snow, in nature, the sun shining down on us, the birds singing sweetly, being silly and creating something beautiful with my friend who loves me unconditionally I felt close to God. Which makes complete sense to me, but might not to you. I felt like God provided that moment much as God provided me a kindred spirit like Hannah. But I also felt close to God because I was frolicking through a small piece of this incredible planet and I feel connected to God in nature. I believe God is all around us - in the trees, in the birds, in the people we meet and even in the snow. But perhaps the greatest reason I felt connected to God in that moment was because I felt so much love. I felt it from the sunshine. I felt it from my friend. I felt it from myself. And to me, God is love.



The love I felt in that moment carried on throughout the day. And I know I sound like one of the cheesy Christian people I'm often complaining about, but it felt like God was smiling on me. Because....

I found a random fortune on my kitchen floor that I must have carried in on my boots from the snow, because sadly I haven't eaten Chinese food in over a month.

I had to say goodbye to Hannah who lives in KCMO, but we get hang out again on Friday and dress in costume! And to comfort me while she's away she left me this awesome picture of a turtle flying a kite (it's an inside joke, because we're best friends and best friends have weird inside jokes.)














Then I went to the grocery store and there was a live bluegrass band playing (St. Louis is the greatest city ever!) and I danced through the aisles. I decided to dine at the salad bar for lunch on this fine Sunday and IT was even in a good mood.








So, not a church Sunday, but a damn fine Sunday indeed. Don't worry though. My church days aren't over. I have plenty more churchin' to do. In fact, the next church will come from my hometown of Springfield, MO for I'ma comin' home for a lil' visit (unless there's another freak snow storm. in which case i will most likely stay inside and get day drunk and won't write anything at all).


I wish you a day that is as magical as swinging in the snow with your best friend after a sex show! ♥